Not to be dramatic, but learning how to read has ruined my life
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there’s a fine line between things that need to be tweeted and things that need to be medicated.
How quickly family vacations go from omg we only have 4 days left to omg we still have 4 days left
My kid can’t see the backpack hanging on his doorknob but he can find a Kit-Kat bar I hid in the attic
Seagulls are the annoying drunk white girls of the bird community.
person: want to hold our baby?
me: why
Ok, I know pandemics are bad … but have you ever run out of tequila?
when ur a kid the only thing ur worst enemy has to do is find a word that rhymes with ur name and ur cooked. one time my friend’s nemesis called him michael michael motorcycle and he was messed up for days. it didn’t matter how cool motorcycles are. it rhymed. he was toast
[Job Interview]
Boss: It says you are a great problem solver
Me: Yes
B: Can you give me an example?
Me: I’m hired
B: *whispers* holy shit
A chicken that’s good with numbers is a mathematish-hen.
Coffee: hi
Me: hey
*slow 80’s saxophone starts playing*
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Just let me finish this movie
Wife: What are you watching?
Me: *turns to camera* The Neverending Story
Hang in there, you can do it.
-Canadian bathroom graffiti
CIA boss: I’ve been informed there is a mole in the office
*gasps*
CIA: I called janitorial but they haven’t found it yet
*laughter*
CIA: also someone in here leaked info
*gasps*
CIA: because tim found out about his surprise bday party
*laughter*
CIA: also someone’s a spy
My resume is really just a list of things I never want to do again.
Oh, you’re a fan of The Chainsmokers?
Name 3 chains they’ve smoked
*watching Only Murders In The Building*
Me: “Where are all the crows?”
It’s not about retweets or followers, it’s about alienating your children so they learn to be independent and responsible
My card chip wasn’t reading properly at the gas station so the guy told me to let him “try and slide it in” and all I could do was laugh like I was 12
I sleep better naked, why cant the flight attendant understand that?
I don’t often get suspicious,but squirrels rubbing their tiny hands together? I worry they won the lottery & hired a good hit & run attorney
doctor: describe your average night
me: they wear suits of armor
doctor: no I mean at bedtime
me: they probably take it off
I got really excited when she talked about a motorboat date, but as it turns out, she just wanted to take a ride on the lake. *sigh*
Cats are not as loyal as dogs are. But at least they won’t tell the police where the bodies are….
Yes hello 911, I put a smaller microwave inside a bigger microwave and now there’s a wormhole in my kitchen
The most unbelievable part of the Bible is a 32-year-old man with twelve close friends.
First date idea: Couples Colonoscopies.
People are always impressed to find out that I got my PhD at 17 but anything is possible if you work hard enough and lie.
Me: *pooping with the door open*
Olive Garden Mgr: “I know what the slogan says ma’am, we aren’t THAT kind of family.”
Homosexuality was still classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979. Swedes protested by calling in sick to work saying they felt gay.
I’ll take the cash and buy my own pizza, thanks