Oh you’re a Football fan? Okay then name 3 of their albums. Yeah. That’s what I thought.
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When people ask me for directions Im just going to do a really slow sarcastic Macarena .
“Hey. You sleeping? No? Whatcha thinkin about? Hey. Did you hear me? Hey. Hey. Ok. You’re boring. I’m leaving… Jk I’m back. Hey” – Birds
Wife: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves your mom.
W: Your disgusting!
M:
W: What is it?
M: I always wished she’d taught you how to cook.
*walks into alma mater carrying English degree*
I’d like a refund, please. This did not work as promised.
It sucks when you & your pal show up at a party wearing the same shirt…and an hour in, his chest hair starts sticking to your back.
My turn ons are naps, cereal, and seeing women that are prettier than me trip over cracks in the sidewalk…
ME: hey look it’s a *forgets the word snail* worm turtle
me: do you gift wrap
drug dealer: what
*pretends to get an urgent text so I can turn around after I notice I’m walking in the wrong direction*
Me: do you like my new hairstyle?
17: oh – did you do that on purpose?
If your FedEx driver isn’t hot, move to a house with a hot driver on that route.
Your dating profile said you were a night owl…..eat this mouse.
Unless you’re a toddler heading towards traffic I’m not running after you.
An unhealthy attraction to traffic cones develops as a result of too many microplastics in your diet and you start driving around looking for road construction just to feel the rush. Hey baby, you block lanes here often?
Normalize bringing 30 days of corn rations on first dates
Crazy but not like defend my opinion of a roast beef sandwich crazy
My password is “weak?” Well your password recovery security question is soft as shit. The city I was born in? Ask me why my mom left my dad.
Summertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with water.
Wintertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with piping hot tomato soup.
Today’s horoscope.
●Sagittarius: You’re about to have issues with an Aries.●Aries : Sagittarius think you suck.
about 25 yrs ago there was a tornado warning in my town & my neighbor’s 4yo kid screamed “a tomato’s coming” but the tomato never came & i think about that to this day
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breast milk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
According to the scale at my gym, all I’ve lost so far is 300 dollars.
Happiness is…
finding your drunk uncle’s change in the couch cushions after he leaves.
[meeting the parents]
Dad: what do you think of Baroque?
Me: *trying to impress him* you should see my bank account. Im always broke.
Me: (sees turtle) goddamnit I envy your affordable housing.
Interviewer: what are your future plans?
Me: lunch
Interviewer: I meant long term plans
Me: what, like dinner?
Pete Davidson would have stole Helen Of Troy from both those mfs.
I bet when the first guy wore glasses everybody was like “Oh la de da, excuse me Mr. I Need TWO Monocles.”
I mostly do what I want, but sometimes the US court system has an opinion.
VAMPIRE: Aaaarrgghh…DAYLIGHT!
ME (A REDHEAD): *turning to dust* Way ahead of you buddy.