Text:
OMG! I can’t believe you tweet such
vile, offensive, filthy, sick things.
You should be removed from society.
GET HELP!Love Mom XO
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Hungarian Prime Minister says his country has the largest trade deficit in Europe proving you shouldn’t go shopping when you’re Hungary.
[planning heist]
Me: We’ll need the element of surprise.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: [appears] Actually, such an element does not exist. Hi, I’m Ne
My son got his license and I’m terrified, but totally ok if he wants to drive to McDonald’s and get me a McFlurry.
People always tell you that you’ll blink and your kids will grow up suddenly
How many times do I have to blink before they let me pee alone?
[1st date]
Her: So, were you born here?
Me: [an idiot] In this restaurant? No. I was born in a hospital.
I hope nobody on my yearbook page ever becomes famous.
There’s a disturbance in the coffee.
I bet the worst part abt being an organ harvester for the black market is having to fill the motel bathtub using that little bucket for ice.
They’re going to start pairing TV shows w/medications. “If you’re taking this, this and this… watch this!”
Not a lot of people know this but if you tell someone with chronic pain that they should “just try meditating” then they are legally allowed to poke you in the eye
If Canada takes over the world we’re all going to be sorry.
I’ve had to repeat everything I’ve said to Alexa today like we’re married.
All I got for Christmas was a sweater, I would’ve preferred a moaner or a biter.
I like to shit with the door open, because it keeps other people from getting onto the elevator with me.
A zombie apocalypse would barely make the news.
My Mom: I like that actor Tom Hiddleston. What was he in?
Me: Taylor Swift for a while.
Me: *washes hands 97 times a day now*
Also me: *hasn’t washed coffee mug since 2003*
Mummies are just super modest zombies
Autocorrect changed ‘are you around?’ to ‘are you aroused?’ and my buddy didn’t want to hang out today.
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a face
picasso: *running in* sorry, i’m late. what did i miss?
I showered today because I know I won’t want to tomorrow. I’m a planner.
I’m wondering how far I can go with this guy on Hinge who seemingly has no idea we went on multiple dates last year. The sex definitely won’t ring any bells but meeting my brother again might.
The bad news is my toddler dumped my husband’s large water bottle all over the couch and himself. The good news is now he’s had his bath
if I was ever in prison I’d quickly assert dominance by giving everyone a fabulous makeover
1) Worms have no bones.
2) Gummi worms are made of gelatin.
3) Gelatin is often made of bones.
4) Gummi worms have more bones than real worms.
Someone in the office sneezed so instead of saying “bless you” I looked them dead in the eyes and sprayed a can of Lysol.
Me : Here, I made you a ‘Best Hits of 2017’ CD.
Wife : This is an unopened blank CD-R.
Me : Correct.
Just the other day, I asked my mom at what age do children start really listening to their parents but I don’t remember what her answer was.