‘I just liked camping alone, you know?’
~Jason Voorhees, in therapy
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I love salad! Just wish it had the taste & texture of pizza.
People who would say “I can’t believe it’s not butter” are the same people who support all those Nigerian princes.
Camping?
No thank you.If I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
One day when the kids ask about life before the crab war you’ll laugh nervously and continue walking sideways to crab church.
i get a version of this tweet a lot. and i feel like i finally nailed the reply today.
so, ya know, showing off!
Grammar: The difference between knowing your shit and knowing you’re shit.
My autocorrect changed “graphic designer” to “groaning designer.” For once, it’s not wrong.
Go to an open house and ask the realtor if they’ll stand in the basement with the door closed so you can hear if screams are audible outside
Clark: *on one knee* Lois, will you help me turn this MEtropolis into a WEtropolis
Colleagues confronted me about my terrible similes. Like crows trapped in a Smucker’s jar, I’d have to murder my way out of yet another jam.
The cast of Big Brother in Germany doesn’t know about covid-19 and they’re gonna tell them in a live TV special. I have to learn German by tomorrow.
Me: Quitters never prosper.
12-year-old: What about people who quit drugs?
I’m out of wisdom for today.
People who live in glass houses must have to clean up a lot of dead birds.
nervously i bag my groceries in plastic while a giant melting iceberg waits in line behind me
Me, yelling my head off every day.
14 yo son: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.Pizza delivery driver exhales at front door two floors down from bedroom.
14 yo: Pizza’s here.
So far the hardest thing about learning how to swallow swords has been cutting the swords up into chewable chunks.
Nothing cuts deeper than an insult with bad grammar and a spelling mistake.
If you can moonwalk out of a police station without bumping into anything they have to drop all charges.
[Spelling Bee]
Her: Your word is consent.
Him: Can you describe the word?
Her: Yes.
My kids kept crawling under the table at a restaurant so I told them the floor is lava. Follow me for other hot parenting tips.
“Hey, look, is that Dad?”
“Either that or Batman’s really let himself go.”
Can we talk about what little red riding hoods actual grandma must have looked like?
Me: Wake up
5-year-old:
Me: We’re late
5:
Me: The house is on fire
5:
Me: Your sister touched your stuff
5: *barrel rolls out of bed*
Parents: Don’t play with sharp objects.
Parents in October: Here’s a knife. Now stab this pumpkin.
I really don’t get Astrology but I just hope my daughter stays a Virgo until she’s at least 18.
What a kind woman! 😂😂
Love the deli paper on the doctor’s table. Mmm I’m a sick little sandwich
not enough men these days put fish in their mouth and pull out the entire skeleton in tact
I remember a story about a girl with a broken leg, and a boy who told her not to fight the pain but instead to gently ride its waves until she could actually see the pain far away beneath her, so she hit him with a rock.
The last time I checked, I was a weirdo.
Let me check again. Yep, still a weirdo.