my mom said she fed the cutest black and white squirrel today. my sister checked the ring camera, it was a literal skunk
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The Hallmark channel. Where else can you watch a two hour movie and not recognize a single actor?
All squirrels fly when you own a T-shirt cannon.
Even if I’m mad at my wife I should be mature enough not to flush the toilet on purpose while she’s in the shower, but it turns out I’m not.
“play stupid games, win stupid prizes” bold of you to assume i am winning the stupid games
My car has a sunroof, but I consider it more of a middle finger display hatch.
Ever sit at your desk and your hand automatically reaches for the seatbelt?
Just me? 😬
I can’t believe the tasteless and offensive things some people tweet.
Seriously, I just saw a recipe for homemade mac n cheese.. they only used one kind of cheese😳 and they didn’t put the bread crumble on top!!
I showered today because I know I won’t want to tomorrow. I’m a planner.
Why did the new psychology student eat their textbook?
Because the professor said it was a piece of cake!
😂
[on a plane]
ME: how much for wine?
ATTENDANT: you’re the pilot
ME: oh right it’s free
If I say, “Don’t worry, I’m on it,” there’s a 98% chance I’m referring to my couch.
your body is a ghost factory that takes one lifetime to produce a ghost
How do animals in children’s books always have nicer houses than mine when they don’t have jobs & all they do all day is learn life lessons?
“Dollars to donuts” is my most frequent currency conversion.
I never feel like a bigger failure than when my dog re-scratches something I just scratched for her.
Me: *slicking back my ponytail* can you photoshop a saxophone in later?
Mugshot photographer: No
Hear me out: Spray-on wrapping paper.
they really do be looking like this
opening and closing my bank account like I do the fridge hoping things will improve
It is the year 2047. After making a movie based on every single one of its theme park rides, Disney is forced to make a movie about the line for the Disney World bathroom.
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
*unfurls blueprint*
Ok here’s how I’m gonna make tonight about me.
Never tell a woman you’re infatuated with her. All she’ll hear is “fat”.
Kids only want one thing and it’s to play with whatever their sibling is playing with
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
*dramatically gets out of bean bag chair for 20 minutes*
I freeze leftovers because I don’t want to throw away food now, I want to throw it away in 8 months.
sometimes all it takes is a little subtle messaging to improve your pet’s behavior