[after solid first date]
Ok play it cool, don’t wanna seem too eager..*texts her 47 years later*
“Had a great time the other night :)”
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I use a headshot from 2008 on my LinkedIn to prepare future employers for disappointment
Before you get involved with another person, ask yourself: Is this someone I can see myself cropping out of pictures later?
Some Olympians have been training since they were 5.
I’m hoping my 6yo comes home from summer camp today with 2 shoes on.
seashell: [holding me to its ear]
me: [making city noises]
“OPEN UP, THIS IS THE POLICE!”
haha, no way losers. I’ve got things to do.
*cop whispering* “what do we do? this guy is owning us hard!”
This isn’t a bathroom. Go outside if you have to do that. GET THAT OUT OF YOUR MOUTH. Help me help you.
-talking to drunks & puppies
Do you guys ever throw blankets over your dogs so there’s little angry ghosts running around your house for a minute?
WINDOWS: update? 🙂
ME: I can’t
WINDOWS: later? 🙂
ME: I don’t know if I—
WINDOWS: pwease? 🙂
ME: fine, later tho
WINDOWS: *immediately restarting* oops 🙂
Man to Psychiatrist; Dr I’m very depressed, all my 3 sons want to grow up and want to be valets.
Psychiatrist; This is the strangest case of Parking sons disease I’ve come across.
i’m vegetarian, but sometimes i introduce myself as vegan so people will leave me alone
Me: what did you get into??
8: [frantically trying to wash his red colored hands] nothing. I did nothing.
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: With adjectives.
Take a look at trending topics and you’ll realize why they have to write “do not eat” on dry silica packets.
million dollar idea: worm dehorser
Spiders: Nature’s reminder that you are, in fact, a little girl.
and this one
“Now?”
“Not yet.”
“Now?”
“Not quite.”
*Car approaches*
“Now?”
“Now.”
-Deer crossing the road
My friends are weird. They keep vegetables in their beer crisper. Freaks
I hate when people say “you always want what you don’t have” like that’s really insightful and not just explaining the definition of “want.”
me: if reality is a simulation then why is it so cruel
also me: i wonder if i can drown this sim in a pot of spaghetti
me: *offering joint* wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: first time we’ve seen a giraffe eat a human
“Son, you suck.”
-Dracula, teaching his children basic survival tactics
Her: *whispering seductively in my ear* Tell me what you want baby.
Me: *whispering back* I was thinking maybe Thai food but up to you.
What scares me most about being stranded on a desert island is having to figure out how to make all the ingredients for nachos from scratch.
I thought it was impossible to do 450 push ups in a minute until I discovered lying
I got a book from the library about oils and lubricants…
It was in the non-friction section.
4 dudes 1 kickflip #Skateboarding #skatetwitter
There’s nothing horribler than a word that isn’t real.
“I don’t have that many gray hairs. I’ll just pluck them out.”
aaaaand….now I’m bald.
The boss accused me of taking a drink during lunch, but he is completely mistaken, I paid for all three of them.