The CDC says it’s a small boulder the size of a large boulder.
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Let them kids believe in Santa! You believe you’re cute no one says shit
Wife: I just wanted our honeymoon to be special.
Me holding 2 Nintendo64 controllers: Me too, but you need to hurry and pick a character.
*Leaving my kids and husband at home for the day*
Me: I’ll see you guys later. [waves]
Dirty laundry & dishes: [waves back]
The lead singer of Nickelback tried out for his school Christmas play, but he never made it as a wise man.
I hate when you go to a surprise party, and all anyone wants to do is talk about your drug problem.
How to get ready for things :
1. Procrastinate for 5 hours
2. Panic 10 min before leaving
LUMINEERS: we have a new song
PRODUCER: what’s it about?
L: deforestation and the loss of natural resources
P: what’s it called?
L: Susan
Sick of people calling me “The Jigsaw Killer.” Sure, I kill people. I also like jigsaw puzzles. But those two things don’t define me
I want to be a lighthouse keeper who doesn’t go mad but instead maintains a healthy balance between making sure the light stays lit and my friends and family understand they come first unless I have to change the lightbulb.
If crying kids on planes bother you, just have 5 of your own, so that next time you hear one, you’ll be like “Thank God that isn’t mine.”
Jewelry stores should just be like: Whether you’re trying to be nice or trying to get laid- we got you covered.
13-year-old: I need cool clothes.
Me: I think your clothes now are pretty cool.
13: That’s the problem
After I beat my dad in Go Fish, I like to shit in my underwear to celebrate.
-My son, apparently
13: *staring glumly at garden* Why so much spinach?
Relationships: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job.
Me in my 20s: I’m never gonna turn into my dad.
Me in my 30s: WHO LEFT ALL THE LIGHTS ON DO YOU THINK I’M MADE OF MONEY
I love that cats slap the shit out of everything they cant understand.
When a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist and a round thing in your face you get
Him: why doesn’t anyone want me?
Me: I want you.
Him: why doesn’t anyone else want me?
For Sale:
baby shoes, never worn.
too small.
should have bought adult shoes.
Last night my mother-in-law read me all her political retweets.
How was your night?
Men statistically have larger brains than women, which is why men are usually smarter and elephants rule us all from their laser-hovercraft
[shark-filled moat]
ROBIN: golly, Batman, how can we distract them?
BATMAN: *pushing him in* we’ll think of something, chum
Sometimes men engage in risky behavior.
Like when they buy a vacuum cleaner for their wife for her birthday present.
[coffee shop]
*casually puts arm around wife*
*reaches up to Free Wifi sign with a pen*
*changes last “i” to an “e”, draws downward arrow*
Wanted:
Someone to chew my food and feed me like a baby bird. No weirdos.
Cowboy outfits should be called ranch dressing.
“Nwbdy tellsh mwe wht to dwo”, I say through a mouthful of cardboard, giving a middle finger to “remove pizza from box before consumption”.
I like to split up my kid’s orange so he can refuse to eat half at lunch and refuse to eat the other half at snack
found a guy hanging out in an alley in palm springs