My useless superpower is the ability to trip over invisible objects wherever I go. What’s yours?
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Welcome to your 50s where the weekend means it’s time to try a new vodka and a new chainsaw at the same time.
Torturer: I will break you
Me: Do you wear that hood to hide your sadness?
Torturer: *broken* ah hell man I just wanted to be a chef
Every family needs a delusional daughter who is ambitious about relieving all her family’s struggles solely by winning the lottery one day.
You should trust your gut but you should not listen to your anxiety. Good luck
chews marshmallows with bovine intensity
My friend returned a Tupperware container without the lid, so now I’m offering a reward for its safe return.
3 weeks ago: I can’t get plastic bags for my groceries?!?!! 😠
Today: I can’t get groceries. 😑
Nobody:
Dog: OMG HE LOOKED IN THE GENERAL DIRECTION OF MY LEASH WE’RE GOING FOR A WALK I’M READY C’MON LET’S GO NOW PUT YOUR SHOES ON NOW HERE LET ME HELP I HAVE YOUR SOCK OK LET’S GO WALK!!!
Judge: Guilty!
*bangs gavel*NINE MONTHS LATER
*gavel holding freaky gavel-human hybrid baby*
Judge: *tears welling up* ..he has your eyes
I’m so proud of two weeks ago me for anticipating I would want a ripe avocado today
Next episode of Why are Customers So Annoying
Dear Impatient Customer,
If you call someone and get their voicemail, calling me to transfer you will not make them answer when I’m transferring you to the same number you just called 5 seconds ago.
I get so crabby when strangers waste my time which is unfair to them because I waste almost all of my own time to begin with.
I know I’m getting old when I see a beautiful 19 year old girl and I wonder what her mother looks like.
I’m caught between needing new glasses and having already seen too much.
“This, too, shall pass,” I thought to myself after the dog swallowed a tube sock.
*Show and tell day*
Me: You know what to do?
Daughter: Wait until I’m asked, then yell “it’s loose, cover your mouths!”
Me: *hands her an unoccupied terrarium* That’s my girl
“Everybody Dance Now” – C & C Music Factory
“20 sided Dice now” – D & D Music Factory#LunchPun #RateMyPun
Here’s why I’m opposed to pilots being obligated to wear boxing gloves for flights:
-Cost of buying the gloves might be passed on to customers
-Pilot loses gloves? Flight gets delayed
-A passenger wearing boxing gloves could be mistaken for the pilot and ordered to fly the plane
Fun fact: they used acronyms back in colonial times too but DOS meant Dead of Smallpox and LMFAO meant Lost My Farm and Outbuildings
I am open to suggestions, comments, or glowing praise followed by many exclamation points.
Some days I feel like my life is going super well, & then I get my hair caught in my umbrella.
And also my car door.
[enter password]
“dog”
[password must be longer]
“dachshund”
[Social Media Addiction Club]
Hi, my name is Brenda, and I’m addicted to social media.
*no one looks up from their phone* Hi, Brenda.
Reset Password
‘CargoAndBoxer’
Your password is two shorts
When someone’s shooting at you, always run in a zig zag pattern. It won’t increase your odds. But it will make everyone laugh.
wife: i’m going into labor
husband: when
wife: now
husband: [sets plate of nachos down] jesus christ karen i just made these
Today was so terrible, I thought
Steven Seagal was in it.
A shark could swim faster than me, but I could probably run faster than a shark. So in a triathlon, it would all come down to who is the better cyclist.
I looked at bright side once and it gave me the finger.