I wonder if husband spiders get annoyed when their spider wives use all the hot water in the shower shaving their 8 legs.
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me: want to go hunting this weekend?
friend: sure i’m game.
me: oh then you probably shouldn’t come.
when someone compliments me
I’m dangerous, baby. Like egg salad that has been sitting out in the sun.
Dating is collecting information about someone until you realize you don’t like them
Westboro Baptist Church Founder Fred Phelps Dies At 84.Who wants to protest a funeral?
Nothing scares me more than when my husband answers me and I’m left wondering just how much he’s actually been listening.
Walmart is fun because all the workers know nothing except for the one who knows everything and your job is to figure out which one that magic worker is
WHY?!
idk what he going thru but i feel him
Got kicked out of the supermarket for aggressively cuddling the peaches again
I’m so proud of myself. I went to Costco hungry and only spent $17,000.
me: can i buy u a drink
girl: ladies drink free tonight, idiot
me:
girl:
me: can u buy me a drink
them: the new Batman film will be totally raw and gritty
me:
What no one in the congregation expected was a reverse rapture that left everyone naked watching their clothes float away.
Don’t you hate it when some idiots won’t even go 5 mph over the speed limit in the left lane but then when you try to pass them all of a sudden they want to go 127 mph into the sun
*rearranges underwear drawer*
Neighbor: the party’s downstairs. Please get out of my room
[nearing end of first date]
Me: I’ll give you a call later, OK?
Her: *throws phone in river* I lost my phone.
Shit, I missed Jesus’s birthday, didn’t I?
ME: I’m hungry. I think I’ll get McDonald’s.
HER: Aren’t you on a diet?
ME: OK. I’ll only get one McDonald.
How confused about the world are you right now, on a scale of 0 to “trying to figure out a friend’s shower”
Make your enemies super uncomfortable by showing up to the rumble with an elderly friend
Sea Turtle: humans keep trying to touch me while I’m swimming.
God: it could be worse.
Sea Turtle: how?
God: tell him crab.
Crab: my legs are delicious.
God: [nods] his legs are delicious.
Who said “do something each day that scares you?” I need them to explain to my wife how I got a shark pregnant
Tried arguing on the internet today.
Wouldn’t recommend it.
0 out of 5 stars.
Congratulations to our winner, Todd, who correctly guessed there were “hella jellybeans” in the jar.
Girls don’t want boys they want birds and squirrels and mice to help them get dressed for fancy balls.
12yo: can I play video games?
Me: no, come chat with me
12yo: ok what’s corp? The boys were talking about “corn with a p” at school
Me: go play video games
I love how we have a big tv so my 3 kids can crowd around the tiny iPad and argue over not being able to see.
Always the bridesmaid, never the person about to make the worst mistake of her adult life