Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks. The Thin Mints are mine, bro.
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I’m not saying your dumb. I’m saying you’re dumb.
“I want to emphasize this paragraph in my email, but putting it in italics doesn’t seem like enough so I’ll also underline it and put it in boldface, a different font and a different color.” -psychopaths
You can always count on me to bring my famous recipe of “bag of ice” to your summer cookout.
You look busy, I’m just gonna interrupt you anyways
– People who apparently want to go missing
Milkshakes might bring the boys to your yard, but burnt garlic toast brings firefighters to your door.
I’m so lazy that I’ll break my tooth trying to get this tag off before I get up and get a scissor.
[Sexting]
“So, what are you wearing?”
A nice blouse and a light sweater. Sensible shoes.
Capt. Marvel: I would like to return this product.
Salesperson: what seems to be the problem?
Capt. Marvel: well, you called it a vacuum cleaner, so I tried using it in space and it didn’t clean any vacuum.
-Brain: Too expensive, you’ll never wear it. Don’t buy this dress.
-Heart: But what are you going to wear if someone takes you to a ball in their castle in France?
Genie: what is your first wish
Me: can you fold this fitted sheet please
G: I’m a genie not a witch
I stab myself a little bit every day to slowly build up an immunity to being stabbed to death.
I was really expecting to get murdered by some creepy person from the Internet by now.
You people that disappear on weekends like you have something better to do, you’re not fooling anyone, we all know you’ve doing Community Service.
[During an interrogation]
Bad cop: That’s not gonna fly
Penguin cop: Seriosly? I’m right here
Don’t believe anything a weatherman says until he takes off the jacket and rolls up the sleeves.
Adulthood is getting your shit together but then forgetting where you kept it.
Me, on the phone, in the middle of a story –
my dad: “All right, here’s your mother”
Texting while driving is incredibly stupid and dangerous. You’re practically begging for typos.
If I wear a wizard hat and robe to my cousin’s wedding this weekend, I bet no one asks me if I’m next.
“Daddy, I-”
*presses button for soundproof backseat divider
Wife: “HOW MUCH DID-”
*presses button for soundproof passenger seat divider
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
[cop knocks on the door of a steamed up car]
[I get out holding a bowl of melted butter & wearing a lobster bib] this better be important
[first day in hell]
Me: *opening google maps* better find this “special place” they said was here for me
Nothing says ‘I love you’ like an echo chamber
PSA: If you’re about to be arrested, climb to the roof of a nearby court. You are now ‘above the law’ & literally can’t get in trouble ever
Just had a 10 minute argument about the importance wearing pants in public with a 5yo
She won, today I wear pants when I take her to school
Remember to check on elderly neighbours in this hot weather, as they usually have ice creams in the freezer.
God: “At least I didn’t get FAT.”
Buddha: “At least I didn’t get CRUCIFIED.”
[funeral home]
DIRECTOR: Your uncle got hit by a bus?
ME: Yeah.
DIRECTOR: Do you want a quote on the headstone?
ME: Like what?
DIRECTOR: Well, did he have any last words?
ME: Yes.
Got food poisoning and the restaurant offered me a voucher for a free meal. You know, because they didn’t get me the first time.