I just fell over putting on my underpants. Vengeance most surely will not be mine.
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*works out for 75 mins
*eats an entire batch of cookie dough
me: what’s our criminology class on?
friend: cannibalism
me: [gasping] a hannibal lecture
My wife says I’m wasting my time on Twitter.
She doesn’t understand the meaningful interactions I have with people.
WIFE: We really need to think about sticking to our monthly budget
ME: *feeding my pet octopus a bag of emeralds* I agree
[intercom]
Please stop putting clown shoes on the sacrificial goat. The ritual is in 3 days & the other cults aren’t taking us seriously.
a murder of crows, a troop of monkeys, a pod of dolphins, a herpe of Kardashians
My hair looks amazing today. I hope I see everybody I hate.
[Fancy restaurant]
DATE: *seductively* I like a man who knows what he wants
ME: *way too loudly* THERE’S NOT ENOUGH KETCHUP ON MY TATER TOTS
70% of the planet is covered in water yet here I am drowning in bullshit.
My wife just yelled at me for not warning her that I was about to sneeze if any of you are thinking of getting into a relationship.
An old lady on the bus just tried to set me up with her daughter. Here’s everything she knows about me:
1) I don’t have a car
me: god made me weak because he feared what i could do
my wife’s boyfriend: it’s okay bud, you loosened the jar for me
[confessional]
me: father, gooey naan.
father: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much. what’s goin’ on with you?
Attacked by a mop.
*I gently remove an eyelash from her cheek*
“Make a wish,” I say.
*I am crushed by a T-Rex wearing a saddle seconds later*
Oh, you’re here. Who’s running hell?
I love when shows have cops escaping jail to finish solving a murder like you broke out to go back to work 😭
Parenting is 10% knowing you would kill for your children and 90% suppressing the urge to kill them.
8- “Mom, where do babies come from?”
Me- “From backrubs honey.”
my father died in a conga line and so shall i
Guy who pronounces HOA like boa
On this very day 6 years ago, I asked my best friend to marry me. My wife was furious. Gary was a little taken aback too.
As a man I’ll never know the what the pain of child birth feels like. But I’m guessing the pain of stubbing your toes has to be really close.
Last night I head banged, lip synced, air guitared and air keyboarded “The Final Countdown” while my teen daughter looked on in horror.
[coworkers chatting about me, to me]
cw 1: you’re such a goof!
me: hehe I’ll take it
cw 2: better than other things you can be called!
me: like?
cw 2: like… dumbass?
me: no one’s ever dared to call me that. I wouldn’t be the first if I were you.
cw 1 and 2:
me: good morning 🥰
Me: can I have some more hair?
The universe: sure — assume eyebrows and ears are okay?
When you see a picture of my kids and it’s captioned “The reason I wake up every day” it’s not me being sweet. It’s the truth, I literally cannot sleep-in with these little heathens in the house.
I hate when people refer to some tv shows or snacks as “guilty pleasures.” You shouldn’t feel guilty based on what you’re eating or watching. You should feel guilty all the time.
I swear could grab 3 rabid coyotes and dress them up as my kids and they’d be better behaved than my children are. But, you know, yay summer.
There is a famous person next to me at this coffee shop. You can tell he’s waiting for me to say something. Not gonna happen. Not gonna give him the time of day. Just going to sit here and continue making machine gun noises with my mouth