My 2020 gratitude journal is written entirely in profanity.
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Movie Studio Chief: We’ve made “Batman.” We’ve made “The Batman.” What’s next?
Me: “The The Batman”?
😜
I would walk 500 miles
And I would walk 500 more
Just to be the man who
Walked a thousand miles
To throw up on your door
Know your Norse mythology. Loki. The trickster. Devised the death of heroic god Baldr and those chips that can’t be opened without scissors.
I just opened a Capri Sun in the dark, sup ladies
Clearance aisles are awesome. I don’t even have a ham but for fifty cents I’m gonna glaze something.
Maybe the sharks are attacking people bc they think they are made of cake
age 20: I was in a car accident, my ride is totaled. I won’t be into work until after lunch
age 40: I did something to my back brushing my teeth, I need to lie down for 3 weeks
I’m pretty sure I have all of those countless hours spent playing Tetris to thank for my mad dishwasher loading skills.
If you call yourself a “cat photographer” and you are not a cat, gtfo
I attend weddings purely to be fortunate enough to hear those two little words that always bring tears to my eyes – “open bar”
“I didn’t go to grad school to assemble agenda folios for the quarterly board meeting” I think as I drizzle Dawn into the CEO’s coffee pot.
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
Me attempting to flirt: So do you also like eating food?
I read that you should treat every night with your wife like your first date so after the movie tonight I’m dropping her off at her parents
The only upside to Trump’s big wall is that Texas will finally get some of Banksy’s Art. Maybe like a little girl and a soldier with a gun
dinosaur: [walks out of divorce court to find a parking ticket on his car] ugh this day can’t get any wor
Cat: HUMAN TERRIBLE THING HAPPEN TO CAT
Me: what
Cat: WAS SLEEPING IN SUN PUDDLE BUT SUN PUDDLE IN DIFFERENT PLACE NOW
Me: yeah Earth’s rotation means the sun is constantly changing positions in the sky
Cat:
Cat:
Cat: MAKE THAT NOT HAPPENING
Me: I can’t
Cat: UR USELESS HUMAN
The fact that the Mayans invented chocolate just goes to show what a civilization can achieve if they are willing to do human sacrifice
Sorting Hat: WAFFLE HOUSE!!
Me: oh, very funny…
I see your account went private, good luck on the job hunt
My friend asked for suggestions for something short and funny to watch so I suggested my 12yo son.
If you say safety in Numbers you haven’t read Numbers.
GUY (whose car died): can u help me? I need a jump
ME (pulling a trampoline out of my trunk): im always prepared for emergencies like this
Heard covid makes everything taste like lacroix. I am now wearing seven masks
If you ever get attacked by a shark, just be a good sport about it and let it eat you. Hey, look on the bright side: It’s a rare occurrence, so you’re special.
Waiter: Would you like regular or decaf?
Me: Do you want me to tip you with real money or Monopoly money?
I always carry a jellyfish with me in case a hot girl wants me to pee on her, but she is too embarrassed to ask.
When a CW is coming out of the men’s room as I walk past, I always ask if everything went well because that’s the polite thing to do.
who called it hell and not heaven’t