hear me out- let’s have pet sitters release one harmless flying insect into your home every 2 days you’re gone to keep the pets amused
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Jesus take the wheel. No that’s a book. A penny. A rock. DAMMIT JESUS DIDN’T YOU TAKE THAT ENGLISH AS A SECOND LANGUAGE CLASS I RECOMMENDED
Friend: Don’t be nervous about your interview, just act like you already have the job!
*2 hours later*
Friend: So, how did your pilot interview go?
Me: *sirens blaring as police chase me down in my stolen helicopter* NOT GREAT STEVE
airbnb implies earthbnb, firebnb, and waterbnb
Shenanigans are the females of the nanigan species.
Name please
“Yo-Yo Ma”
Your full name
[quietly] “Yoghurt-Yoghurt Marmalade”
Find someone who shares your values & dreams- but likes a different kind of dipping sauce for chicken strips so you don’t have to share that
i never understood why we had to blow on the nintendo cartridge before eating it
[at ultrasound]
Nurse: there it is. There’s your baby
Me visibly relieved: oh Jesus thank u
Wife whispering to nurse: he thought it was bees
BOUNCER: I’m sorry miss, you are too drunk to come in.
ME: [lifting shirt] initiate Care Bear Stare!
BOUNCER: Oh, my mistake
ME: [smiling proudly]
BOUNCER: I’m sorry SIR, you are too drunk to come in.
In honor of the longest night of the year I will also be cold, distant &filled with darkness.
Robber *gun to my head* sign in to your account
Me *wiping tears* I can’t remember my password
Robber: Ask for a hint. And if you cry again, I’ll shoot
Me: ok ok
Computer: What was the name of your first dog?
Me: oh no
I don’t consider myself to be an overly dramatic person, but I have had a mosquito bite ruin my life.
Lawyers are good at twisting words but not as good as drunk me when I’m explaining where I’ve been.
[Wedding meal]
*taps wine glass until everyone stops talking and I stand up to speak* I need more wine
“And… uh… chocolate kills dogs.” – God puts the finishing touches on life on earth.
[Alien vs Predator]
Alien: I can eat your face off
Predator: I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a school
*Food arrives*
*Waits 3 days*
*Slowly takes bite of food*
*Waitress appears from under the table in camouflage*
HOW IS EVERYTHING??
My dog is doing Saturday right by staying in bed until 1pm and shooting me a disapproving look every time my chores wake him up.
The carwash is a great place to meet other millionaires who for some reason don’t have garden hoses.
No one has ever had more confidence in me than the waiter who just gave me one napkin with my lunch
[2.13am]
me: when cows die do they become cow ghosts? imagine being haunted by a cow ghost.
him: *deletes my number*
Love is not pushing them down the stairs when you have the opportunity.
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
Do you have any motivational books?
Yeah, they’re in the back.
(long pause) Do you have any that are closer?
[watching basketball highlights] These guys never miss
[latest bio rejection from christian mingle]
Interested in both term and whole life insurances.
Horse: *tapping the hood* it’s got 400 manpower
When I’m eating shared nachos I’m always thinking 3 nacho moves ahead of my opponent.
[first date]
HER: Aww, look at that poor old woman at the table in the corner, sitting all alone.
ME: That’s my mom. She wanted to check you out.
MOM: *shakes head, makes throat-cutting gesture*
ME: Don’t worry. That means she likes you.
What do you mean you don’t know what Care Bear would win in a fist fight? Get off me, this sex is over.