Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
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just had a really bad argument with some guy I invented in my head
ME: Guess who was just promoted to be the new CEO!
COWORKER: Amanda.
ME: Why would you assume it’s a man?
Odds I accidentally turn off a room’s lights when controlling house lights from my phone:
Any room my wife is not in – 1%
Any room my wife is in – 92%
Natty or not?
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t wear a blanket to work
My parents bought us candy cigarettes for my 11th birthday party. The store was out of candy syringes.
Watch my hands when I say “latitude” or “longitude.” It’s as much for my benefit as yours.
It’s always the last 10-15 peanut butter cups that you end up regretting.
How I look taking the 2000th photo of my dog sleeping
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me:
Teen: [returns to bedroom]
Me: [starts reorganizing baking pans]
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
I should probably switch to water soon.
*A memoir
High school prepares you for real life! For example, show choir taught me how to put on eyeliner and lip liner in a car on the freeway
Break into your neighbor’s house every night but don’t take anything just put a cape on their dog
Earth reviews
⭐☆☆☆☆
“The landscape is memorable but the human inhabitants are all shit”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“They do amazing things with potatoes”
bert: i want a divorce
wife: are u…
bert: don’t
wife: *holding in laughter* are u sherbert?
A toddler can do more in one unsupervised minute than most people can do all day.
a BIG dipper ? in this astronomy ?
Everyone has that one vegetable that brings up memories of an ex
The cops say I have to stop trying to fist fight the guy who tries to feed my house letters everyday.
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around garlic bread” trust me.
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m riding a Big Wheel on the freeway?
Officer: A STOLEN BIG WHEEL
The attic in my garage that has been sealed shut for 3 years is mysteriously open and omg I have to move now.
Must have been so hard for our ancestors to find out which mushrooms were edible and which weren’t. “Sure, the brown one was delicious but the orange one killed Steve so idk about that stew, Jeremy“
*CAN’T OPEN THE PICKLE JAR*
SHERLOCK: (suspiciously) Moriarty…
Batman: Life isn’t a video game. Your actions have consequences
*Robin writes ‘I’m sorry I forgot to buy Charmin®’ 100 times on Batpaper*
If you see a guy faceplant into an automatic door, come up and say hi
Me: Excuse me sir, can you please forward my X-ray and breast exam results to my doctor
Airport security:…
If I get murdered please arrest the person who goes on tv and says I had “a zest for life.” I don’t care if they’re the killer but I don’t want my memory disrespected like that.
I resolve to stop wasting time on Twitter in 2̵0̵1̵0̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵1̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵2̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵3̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵4̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵5̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵6̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵7̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵8̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵9̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵0̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵1̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵2̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵3̵ 2024