Me: this pot sucks
Wife: *surrendering any remaining hope of future joy* no the other kind of pot roast
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Artificial intelligence is gonna be so pissed when it finds out about depression
If whisky can damage your short term memory, just think what whisky can do.
i am going as a ‘credit card’ to this halloween party, cause i plan on being used irresponsibly.
No I will not change my password.
If someone wants this life, they can have it.
no one who’s ever been hit in the head with a softball calls it a softball
I can’t wait for Halloween so that I can walk around with a bloody carving knife without being questioned.
“Yellow leaves are a sign of not enough water.” Oh! Gary watered the plant. “Yellow leaves are also a sign of too much water.” Oh, ffs.
I had to cut my own toenails. This pandemic is bullshit.
This is not me but this is me
The easiest way to bust outta the joint is to methodically carve a bar of soap from a gun you purloined from a deputy, & then throw the fake soap onto the floor of your cell. When the guard comes to pick it up (it’s a safety hazard), simply run past them & away to the mountains
Practice self-care like a star, be lonely and distant & allow nothing to survive on your surface.
inventor of oreos: in the center is yummy cream
nabisco: and the outside?
inventor: absolute garbage
nabisco: stop i love it
*walks in with singed eyebrows and an empty gas can*
Friend: The revenge didn’t go as planned, did it?
Me: *grabs chainsaw* Nope.
Even if it’s not cursed, a monkey paw is a terrible gift.
They say you should eat 6 small meals a day to lose weight so being an overachiever I have been eating 26 a day.
My brother has been remodeling his guest bathroom for over a year. The door has been off for almost as long.
And that’s how you keep people from visiting your house.
Do Russia and Uganda realize if they put all their gay people in jail then jail will become the nicest part of their country?
*Gets 20 Year High School Reunion Invite in mail*
I’m not going to this shit, that’s what Facebook is for.
*reads ‘open bar’*
Aaaand I’m in.
I don’t think you’re a bad person. I just think you’re immature and lack intelligence. Hope that helps!
Seriously, calm down. I backed into you by accident.
Him: You hit me three times!
Sorry I can’t come to your party, I already made other plans after you invited me.
Don’t you dare look at me with that come hither stare; I haven’t hithered in years.
5: Daddy, can I help?
Me: No, sorry. This is a tough job
5: [robot voice] I. am. a. ro-bot.
I. will. com-plete. the. work. of. 10. men.Me: [handing over tools]
“When I’m done shitting on your car I’m going to watch your wife undress through her window”-Birds
There’s really no cooler place to wear sunglasses than in a submarine.
I have to go stand in line at Gamestop now because I had a careless night of unprotected sex 13 years ago and Halo 5 is out today.
6 months ago I started a journey to transform my body to prove that anything was possible. You have to want it. You have to wake up everyday and put in the work and thats why I haven’t started.
Proper punctuation can be the difference between a tweet being well written and a tweet being well, written.
Daddy! Tell me a story..
The Tooth Fairy is really a wicked witch, who takes all your teeth if you sleep with your mouth open.
Good night.