Just found empty bags of goldfish and Cheetos under my girls’ bunk bed and I told them I was disappointed that this was the best hiding place they could come up with.
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If you love something, give it a really embarrassing haircut. At least, I assume that was my mom’s motto.
Me: *in bed with dogs*
*car drives down street*
Dogs: HOW DARE YOU MAKE A NOISE WHILE OUR HUMAN IS SLEEPING, WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?
THE SHINING (1980): An oblivious pair of incessant chatterboxes are finally taught to respect the sanctity of a writer’s space.
“You wore that before.”
Yes, because I own a washing machine.
astronaut: houston we have a problem
houston: what is it?
astronaut: my wife left me
houston: we only deal with space problems
astronaut:
houston:
astronaut: my wife left me while I was in space
I often fantasize about lying naked in bed, surrounded by various bags of chips and I have octopus arms so I can eat all the chips at once.
A face that lunched a thousand chips.
Woke last night to the sound of thunder, that last bean burrito was a blunder 🎶
[first day as a 911 operator]
me: nine hundred and eleven what is your emergency
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
Has anyone tried changing 2020 from dark mode back to light mode?
Welcome to adulthood. Your body now crackles like a carnival glow stick when you get up.
My Twitter crush is 4,762-timing me!
I want to go on a shopping spree at a book store..
But I also like electricity and food.. so you see my dilemma..
Me: I want to come back as ghost and haunt you.
Her: Oh no.
Me: I’ll make weird noises in the night.
Her: You already do that.
I may not be the brightest crayon in the tool shed but at least I’m great at analogies.
My daughter is so excited to climb the rope in gym class today that I’m starting to doubt she’s mine.
Ironically, I hate people who say “like us on Facebook”.
The first workout after vacation week reminds you of how many cheeseburgers you had while on vacation
Me: You know what would improve this dreadful place? An open bar
Other people in the waiting room:
Kids: Can we go outs-
Me and wife, together: YES PLEASE
Keep your friends close. Keep your enemies closer. Keep your frenemies in a dark basement filled with bees.
Sorry I don’t remember your name, I was concentrating too hard on shaking hands, making eye contact and not mispronouncing my own.
The fact that there are space cowboys implies that there are space cows and that’s why I haven’t slept in 4 days.
October begins the tradition of removing the expired salad from the crisper drawer and renaming it the Reese’s drawer.
I don’t know why we traded horses for cars. Your car won’t stop in front of a river and be like, “no way dumbass, we aren’t going to make that.”
A dating app for yoga enthusiasts called Get Bent
Boss: Where’s the progress report I asked u for
Me: I haven’t made any progress that’s my reportWhat I imagine it’d be like if I had a job
Not enough arguments are settled with a dance off.