LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD: grandma what big eyes you have
WOLF: u really think I look like ur grandma? I should eat u just for that u dumb shit
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When I cut my nails in the yard outside, I wonder if the ants really appreciate the giant tusk weapons I’m giving them for their battles…
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
Scene in Dirty Dancing where Patrick Swayze lifts her in the air, only I drop you because there is a line beginning to form at the buffet.
He threw his hands in the air.
And he waved em like he just didn’t care.
In hindsight, he was the worst airplane runway guide we ever hired.
Roses are flowers, violets are flowers, I’d love you more if you had super powers.
As a little girl, I dreamt of being whisked away by a handsome prince.
It’s my husband’s dream now.
Me, homeschooling:
If a train leaves the west coast at 7:00am traveling 60 mph and one leaves the east coast at 9:00am traveling 45 mph then what time will I get drunk and drop kick my neighbors garden gnome?
The bar sign said
“WiFi password since1938”
And I was like wow that’s been your password for a long time
Why does the bad guy always have to know some form of martial art? Why cant they just throw stuff while screaming “stay away from me!”
Cop: we have you surrounded! Get down on the ground now!
Cardboard Man: sigh not again
*cops start breakdancing*
me [to snail on ceiling]: ah ure a cute lil guy how’d u get up there?
snail: I just want to die pls why do I have to be so sticky
I always cut my 6 pack rings so they don’t choke any dolphins. If I’m gonna choke a dolphin, it’ll be with my bare hands.
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
“I’m just here for a good time, not for a long time.”
– me, talking to the fridge
If I had a hill house I would simply not allow it to be haunted
People who love to clean are just practicing to eliminate the evidence
Boss: Where were you on Friday?
Me: It was a holiday.
Boss: HALLOWEEN IS NOT A PAID HOLIDAY!
Me: It is if you go as Christmas.
Boss:…
But my sandwich is so dry!
“Sorry sir, that’s not what we do here at the Mayo Clinic.”
The most annoying part of making spaghetti is when the noodles are done, so you pour them into the strainer but the holes are too big so you end up with spaghetti all over the inside of your car.
Him: your account was stolen!
Me: My twitter account?
Him: no your bank account!*sigh*
Me: thanks God!
they should invent a rest for the wicked
Fries, not lies.
my (35m) 10,000 rats (1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 2m, 4m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 2m, 4m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f..
“They’re probably more afraid of you than you are of them,” I say, as a snarling pack of wolves attacks my friend Jeff
*crosses the street slowly in front of your car at an extreme and unnecessary angle*
fish:
eagle: omg ur drowning I’ll save you
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
[1st date]
Her: I love quail
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Cher
M: Omg me too!
H: Love men
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Pepsi
M: WTF is wrong with you?
What do we want? A 2016 calendar! When do we want it? Late 2015!