I like when videogames limit how many things you can hold. “You have 100 items in an invisible bag. Carrying another would be unrealistic”
You Might Also Like
i’m not paying off my credit cards anymore if they wanted that money back they shouldn’t have gave it to me
“Enjoy this gift of a very normal large wooden horse”
He: “Darling, may I have potato pasta for dinner, please?”
She: “Gnocchi dokey.”
#PotatoDay #RubbishJokes
Pros & cons of being a skeleton:
Cons: no sex, love, food, friendship, books, music, movies, art..
Pros: you can play your rib cage like a xylophone
If you get an email at work from my cat with an attachment delete it
what forbidden atrocity did Santa Clause commit to be cursed to have to drink 500,000,000 glasses of warm milk in one night every year for eternity?
Save your voice calling for your kids. Just open a bag of chips and they’ll materialize out of nowhere.
Every time a magician graduates from his school and throws his hat in the air at the convocation, PETA sues him for cruelty to rabbits.
*Sees couple arguing in store*
*Discreetly drops a pregnancy test into the cart*
“Get a puppy,” they said.
“It will be fun,” they said.I got 4 hours of sleep.
grateful there’s a whole airline for virgins . i do NOT want them on my flight
The “Allosaurus you can eat” buffet was very popular with Jurassic Park visitors. After the fences failed it was also popular with the Allosaurus.
ME: Everyone has a soul and since souls are actually ghosts, technically we’re all haunted
ANESTHESIOLOGIST, TO THE SURGEON: I seriously don’t know how she woke up
My seven year old reported to me today that the tooth fairy wasn’t paying him a fair wage compared to his peers and claimed that all his friends earn a liveable wage from tooth loss
“Are you making the aquarium pets fight again?”
“NO,” I exclaim, quickly putting Octopus Prime and MegaPrawn back into the tank.
Why is it called “getting ghosted” when ghosts whole thing is sticking around too long
Employer: i am sorry. we will not be hiring you.
Me: i understand completely. you won’t be disappointed.
VEGETARIAN FRIEND: Can you believe these “mashed potatoes” are actually cauliflower?!?
ME: Yes. They taste like cauliflower. All of the things you make with cauliflower taste like cauliflower.
*runs in out of breath*
Friend: what’s going on?
Me: [heavy breathing] bear with me
Friend: Ok *waits*
*bear runs in, also out of breath*
mom did you say we had four bouillon cubes or four billion cubes
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
Me: Your honor, he’s not asking the witness any questions. He’s just reading Harry Potter to the jury.
Judge: Yeah, I’m gonna allow it.
Him: you’d look better if you took your glasses off
Me: no I’ve tried that and I just look blurry
It’s interesting growing up and learning that most adults are not smart. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
If you had let me finish, yes your baby looks like a disgruntled employee, but I meant of the month.
Hey, people who solicit a response via text conversation then disappear for hours, I got one thing to say to you…
Arnold Schwarzenegger glancing up excitedly and then looking away disappointedly multiple times while watching the intro to “Hey Arnold”
Genie: and for your last wish?
Me: I wish I could reverse age a few years.
*wakes up with a pimple the size of Australia*
Me: NOT LIKE THIS!!!
How to paint a live flamingo:
1. Get a live flamingo
2. Paint it
hello secretary? i need you to go to that website where you can combine pokemon and combine mew and squirtle, print it out and bring it here