Me, 1st day as a geographer: ice is lonely water
Senior geographer: what
M: and rain is happy water
S: no
M: fog is ghost water
S: pls stop
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I’m thinking about giving up sugar.
Ok. I’m done thinking about it.
I really relate to the people in commercials who “didn’t know that.”
Them: love what you do and you’ll never work a day in your life
Me: ok how can I make this apply to eating cheese?
Me: Here is some apple juice.
Kids: Deelish!
M: Apple butter on your toast?
K: Please!
M: How is the apple sauce?
K: Terrific!
M: Got you apple slices with your Happy Meal.
K: Great!
M: Have an apple.
K: Oh you mean POISON?!?!
i hate it when im tryna spell a word and autocorrect can’t either
Saw a tempting new kind of ice cream in the case at the grocery store and, for some reason, audibly said “Hi” to it. A lady behind me said “Excuse me?” and I motioned to the glass door in front of me and realized I looked like a parakeet enamored by the strange bird in the mirror
If you’re wondering if humans are idiots we hunt ducks with guns when they will walk right up to you if you have bread
me: there’s something gross in my soup.
waiter: that’s your reflection
I pan fried chicken tonight.
On another completely unrelated note: the firemen in my town are gorgeoussssss.
Why doesn’t anyone invite copyeditors to parties when we’re such cool people out with whom to hang?
Not gonna elaborate, but I just found out the hard way that the phrase isn’t “self defecating humour”
He’ll be directing planes to the gate in no time.
#PayInHay
#Kerching
Do people who swirl and sniff their wine in the glass know that it tastes just the same straight from the bottle? Amateurs.
Sportscenter, episode 542783747363467367984768474756431063389425993399064375493638386747899532689432462567953467347: Men talking animatedly.
My client has retained me to cancel plans with you.
Hi. My name is Paul. I have a PhD and tenure. Today I decided to test if a bottle of super glue was open by squirting it into my hand.
Then I tried to clean my hand by wiping it on a box.
If I became a witch, the first spell I would cast is to make crickets sound like a purring cat. After that, I’d focus on evil. But the cricket-cat thing first.
me: i just love traveling!
my basketball coach: that’s what i want to talk to you about
“Those aren’t the variants you’re looking for” –
Obicron Kenobi
Squirrels before girls.
Dating sites don’t work for everyone 👎
luke: *tips hat* waterwalker
jesus: *tips hat* skywalker
Wife: You’re so predictable
Me: Yeah? I bet u didn’t see this coming
*I go to throw water on her but shes already wearing a poncho*
Me: Damn
meanwhile underwater, fish scientists continue to be baffled by rain. “it’s like the sky is pretending to be the ocean because birds are jealous of us,” said one bluefin tuna wearing a lab coat
Me: We were supposed share that bag of chips.
Her: It was mostly air.
Me:
Her: I saved you that part.
me: so how do you guys get around?
dumbledore: lots of ways. you can take the secret train
me: makes sense
dumbledore: fly a broomstick
me: fun
dumbledore: touch a boot and be sucked spinning through some kind of magic hellscape void
me: huh
dumbledore: bus
I’m only attractive if you’re drunk.
*buys everyone a drink*
My dog licked the crumbs out of my computer keyboard & earned an online college degree.
I went to the local apiary to buy a dozen bees. They gave me thirteen and said the last one was a free bee.
Honestly, guys. I’ve got a fox stuck in my washing machine. WHAT THE ACTUAL FOX