Remember when we thought it would be fun to grow up and have jobs? LOL
You Might Also Like
my kid used my Netflix profile so now my “continue watching” thread is Murder, Murder, Cocomelon, Murder, Murder, Baking
Following the leaking of nude photo’s of Kim Kardashian, her personal assistant has been sacked for the delay.
God: Basically u just chill.
Cow: Nice.
God: I mean, at first.
Cow: …then?
God: Then people murder u to eat ur insides & wear u as a coat.
Walking around naked is a great motivator to get back to the gym
Whales accidentally eat 8 people in their sleep every year
The pizza guy just said “see u tomorrow”
Maybe I eat too much pizza …
George Clooney and Brad Pitt fall in love and rob casinos together.
#ExplainAFilmPlotBadly
sober: damn im too lazy to make any food tonight
after two beers: it’s time to cook all the spaghetti in my kitchen
[*planning dinner*]
Me: “What sort of desserts do you like?”
Her: “Oh, any!”
Later:
My mom ran over my imaginary friend, Stephanie. I never told my mom because deep down I wanted Stephanie out of my life.
Sorry I followed your minivan for an hour. I got caught up in the movie your kids were watching and wanted to see how it ends.
“Moooooooo”
– bilingual donkey
Wouldn’t it be great to be a dog or a cat so you could just walk up to people whenever you wanted & lay down beside them & demand they pet you all over your body – not just when you’re really drunk out in public?
If you factor in “supply and demand”… she DOES NOT want the D.
There is so much D trying to go around, not even the alphabet wants the D.
How to cook the perfect amount of pasta:
1. Pour out how much you think you need
2. Wrong
Dog (curled up, napping): I never poop on the carpet and I love cats.
Wife: Is the dog talking in its sleep?
“Shhh let sleeping dogs lie.”
How did harry potter get down the hill?? Walking .. JK Rownling
Overheard a woman say very angrily on the phone “I married a stale ham sandwich of a human” and calling someone a stale ham sandwich is probably my new favorite insult
Neil Diamond: 🎶HANDS…
TOUCHIN’ HANDS🎶
CDC: NO
PMS: Your eyes look empty.
ME: I feel great.
PMS: Better put mascara on.
ME: To look pretty?
PMS: To look crazy when I make you cry.
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok I’ll pretend I’m a firefighter
Her: hot
Me: *narrows eyes*
The date was going great until she spooked me and then I squirted her with ink and quickly swam away
When you promised to deliver the project in two weeks but didn’t mention which year
The fastest way to teach a kid to ride a bike is to strap their feet to the pedals and chase them with broccoli.
If you arrive home, it’s not a holiday, and your driveway is full of family member’s cars, keep going…….It’s an intervention
My husband has officially reached peak dad status.
Driving through Sequoia National Park and he turned the radio off so everyone could see.
If bed bugs are named because they are found in beds…how did cockroaches get their name?
Paper cut-outs of coins don’t work in parking meters in case you were thinking of trying this out on your own.
I feel a bit overdressed here at WalMart because my pajamas match.