[Forest]
GF: Oh god it’s a bear!Me: *Stuffs socks down front of pants*
GF: What are you doing?
Me: Making myself look big
Bear: Well hi
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It should be illegal for your kids to change their favorite color without giving you a 30 day notice
him: would you like to speak with the pharmacist?
her: no thanks
me, first day as a pharmacist: *under the counter* ask her why tho
For once I’d like to get kicked INTO a bar
5: *comes in room* hey old lady
Me: *looks around*
5: *looks me in the eye* hey old lady
Me: *packages him up in Amazon box and puts outside for collection*
Blessed are the teens who leave the kitchen cleaner than they found it.
Smells like a challenge to me
I put my earbuds on just like everybody else. Frantically as someone approaches.
My tupperware bowl just reminded me that I had spaghetti in 1999.
“There are 2 seats. Which one do you want?”
“Right one for me.”
“And you?”
“Am I left with any choice?”
Yesterday, Mike heated up his fish in the break room.
Today, Mike is missing.
Don’t be like Mike.
When I go “Commando” I carry around a big machine gun & speak with an Austrian accent while I track down my daughter’s kidnappers.
Grandpa: “I was at Normandy.”
Dad: “I was at the Battle of Khe Sanh.”
Me: “I once went to Kohl’s on Christmas Eve.”
Everyone: *gasps*
THERAPIST: are you still using euphemisms to get friends to go jogging
ME: no one ever wants to have the runs with me
I always carry a condom.
I never know when things are going to get hot & heavy & I’ll have to throw a sturdy water balloon at someone.
wow, ok, unfollowing now. was a huge fan of his cooking. had no idea he was exploiting the labor of a marginalized rat
True
“I’m an actress”
I watched your web series, and I disagree.
“If we don’t know a word for something, why can’t we just make one up?” he remarked confusatorily.
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
🤣🤣
The only thing I do to get my body ready for summer is make sure my AC is serviced.
High school teachers: “Your college profs aren’t going to be as lenient as we are.”
College profs: “Sorry I’m late I didn’t want to come.”
Stop screaming at me like you’re the only one who realizes our kitchen is on fire. The arrogance.
If hackers really wanted to scare us they would post all of our deleted selfies instead of stealing our financial info
Pro tip: If you eat your sandwich in line you don’t have to pay for it.
When you gaze into the abyss sometimes the abyss pats you gently on the hand and says she’s just not that into you.
Good news: I’m finally able to button my super skinny jeans.
Bad news: I’m not wearing them.
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
America is 5 wars away from receiving a free one.
Craving that feeling of immediate regret? Invite someone to your house. Works for me
[job interview]
Him: Do you have any social media accounts?
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …