According to my kid, cops won’t give you a speeding ticket if you tell them you’re in a race because then they’ll understand you’re supposed to go fast
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Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
Your Joke Is Factually Incorrect – A Guide to Dying Alone.
The look of utter betrayal on my son’s face when he gets up past his bedtime & sees me eating cereal & watching cartoons is priceless.
Putting “perfect for sharing” on bigger bags of crisps is all well and good, but maybe consider an accompanying range with “ideal for emptying into a nosebag and hoovering up into your big fat face” on it, cos I would buy the shit out of those.
This man hollered at me from his uhaul and asked “can I get a picture with you?” I said sure. We used my phone to take it. I asked if he wanted me to send it to him. He said no.
My daughter was looking at a photo and asked…“How come you don’t look like this anymore?” Was about to be sad but then realized the pic was of Halloween and I was dressed up as Pippi Longstocking and she just really likes flying pigtails
Why did the terrorist buy himself a new Porsche?
He was going through a midlife ISIS!!
my thigh gap is just a painted tunnel by Wile E. Coyote
When someone you don’t wanna see tries to make plans with you
If you wanna make someone cry just show them the earliest year they can retire
Me: are you or are you not my people?
My sister: I am, but I’m still not driving 3 hours to get you a bagel.
[pizza delivery]
Girl: Is there an other way I can pay you? *bites lip*
uh HELL YEAH!
*pulls out phone*
see that RT button?
Pro tip: smell the fragrant hand soap on your fingers while you’re in the restaurant’s restroom, not on your way back to the table.
I’ll go first…
Bad Boys. 😏
50 Shades of Yellow. #SpongebobMovie #SuperBowl
Doctors just told me I have “stripper lung” from inhaling too much brass polish & if I go back to “JIGGLERS” again I’ll die.
Recorded myself talking in my sleep and I rhyme a lot. Somehow I’ve developed sleep rapnea.
In Hell, you’re surrounded by people saying ‘suposably’ and ‘irregardless.’
Me after a regular weekend: Back to the grind
Me after a 3-day weekend: How now shall I labor when I’ve grown accustomed to my rightful place among the leisure class
I just overheard someone threaten that they were going to “put their foot down”. What kind of threat is that unless you’re Godzilla?
*leaves one gummy bear in the packet*
i’m letting you live so you can go back to your king and tell him to send the rest of his troops
Trying to guess in 6 attempts what an angry toddler is saying before they really start losing their shit is called Wordle Extreme
I don’t always pick my nose in front of the window but when I do a neighbor will inevitably drive by
Plucked an unruly wiry white hair from my head and then missed it instantly 😔
Just remember…once annoying family arrives, the only side dish you’ll need is whiskey and a shot glass.
The first thing I’m going to do when my kids move into homes of their own is machine gun fire toothpaste spit all over the faucet and mirror in the bathroom.
[blind date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a customer service representative.
Me: Cool. Our date is important to me. Please hold. I’ll be back in an hour.
Text from girlfriend: I love u more than anything else
Me: I love all the letters equally
wait did that Australian guy say “meteorite” or “mate are ya alright?”
*gets hit by a meteorite*
“hey mate are ya alri… no you’re dead*
Can’t, just found out I’m way behind on my 6th grade math homework.