(during sex)
Technically, a comedy starring Mitt Romney could be a RomCom as well.
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Italian mafia fugitive caught after posting cooking show on YouTube
I am always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank.
@funTweeters
For “Mean Tweets”Oh I see now, those aren’t your measurements, it’s the fluctuations in your IQ score!
Him: I’m leaving you.
Me: [can’t hear him because I’m trying to breakdance in my bubble wrap suit]
If I could go back and do it all over again I’d be born into money
The government is dysfunctional and needs to be fixed I’ll probably fall in love with it any minute
If you don’t fold the laundry, it won’t get folded. I know because I run this experiment weekly
Excuse me miss, you’re a cat – a man who doesn’t know how to cat call
ME: excuse me did you say this was non-GMO
WAITER: yes that’s right
ME: [pointing to my alphabet soup] there’s like a dozen of them in there
I didn’t know children could be old enough to eat $70 worth of sushi but still have to be told to flush the toilet after every use
Ad guy: okay how do we sell the frosted flakes
Ad guy 2: what if there was a big handsome tiger you just wish would hold you in his arms
Ad guy: …hey Tom, how are things at home
Ad Guy 2: [tearing up] they’re great
*sewing*
A thread
This South Beach diet is BRUTAL. I can only eat a sensible face for breakfast, a sensible face for lunch, then just CELERY for dinner.
Other Whole Foods customer: In this light I can’t make out the color of this cheese. What color is this? I want something to serve with figs.
Lionel Richie: Yellow. Is it brie you’re looking for?
I am the boss of me. And my wife is my boss’s boss.
If Ariana Grande made a lot of money selling designer chokers her song would have been called Thank U, Necks
These true crime docs are fantastic but pretty soon Netflix is going to have to start murdering dudes just to keep up.
When I’m president, we are going to have WAY more velociraptors.
My husband got me Alexa for Christmas, like I need another person in the house claiming they didn’t hear me.
political ads are like “i”m the only one strong enough to stand for what’s right” then they send you an email “they’re kicking my ass, i’m desperate, i’m losing this thing, i need your $5”
I’m gonna get my vasectomy done at Home Depot like a real man.
“How much to go into this haunted house?”
“Sir, this is the Church of Scientology.”
“Ooh…Sounds scary! One ticket please!”
Is sandalwood what a man gets if he’s unusually turned on by a pair of his own open-toed shoes?
Nice tan. I’m guessing your mother is white & your father’s a sweet potato?
When I am president, it will be legal to grab the waists of slow and distracted pedestrians on cell phones and race them along.
If you eat french fries and then drink a milkshake, every time you burp it will taste like a donut. Please continue following me on the twitter dot com for more life inspiration.
Last Christmas I requested the electric chair for my mother-in-law and Santa brought her a motorised recliner. FML!
I once dated guy who talked so much about his ex-wife that I broke up with him and started dating her.
I USED VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO TODAY AND NOW I CAN’T STOP SHOUTING!
Breakup? I’m sorry no.
You’re not finished being in love with me yet.