WIFE: please come out of there so we can talk
ME: [from cardboard box] i’m sorry come out of where?
WIFE: [sigh] please exit the spacecraft
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Egg drop soup
Egg clumsy
Egg bad waiter
Egg fired again
Egg turn to life of crime
I can’t stand lactose intolerant people who work at ice cream parlors. They can dish it out but they can’t take it.
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
Grease is my favourite film about a group of high-school kids who have been kept back for 17 years
I saved a ton money on a security system by hanging a picture of my paycheck on the front door.
Whoever the first person was to throw shit in to a fan must have had a lot of explaining to do afterwards.
Anyone know a good air guitar repair man?
I broke mine in the last battle.
looking back on it, it’s even funnier how those celebrities decided it was time to sing us that “Imagine” montage after being stuck inside for like 36 hours
12. I think about this all the damn time
Priest: do you take this woman
Me: I do
[Liam Neeson glares from the pews]
Me: -not
I’m quitting my job to pursue my dream of quitting my job.
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
The story of the Titanic speaks to me because I once tripped over a bag of ice at a party & then killed over 1,500 people.
I love meeting new people. Not you. Don’t touch me.
Xylophonist Shredding It
There are two types of people in this world: those who finish things
me: congrats, when is the baby due
pregnant librarian: oh it’s mine i get to keep it
Screw an edit button I want people to know immediately when I block them
This lady totally messed up my Zen during my yoga session by switching on the lights and waking me up.
Every time I think I’ve parallel parked in a space the size of a shoebox, I get out and find it’s the length of two football fields
[talking to bouncer]
Me:let me in
Bouncer: not after last time
Me:would a Washington convince you?
Bouncer: no
George Washington: c’mon man
Unfortunately, Yoda’s proposal came across as more of a statement, possibly even a threat. And so, he lived out his life alone, forever pining for “which got away, the one.”
Once I burned my Trailer down when I left a candle burning after a romantic date. To keep my street cred, I claimed it was a meth explosion.
My dentist has a tremor. He’s a good dentist, but you just don’t know exactly what’s going to get fixed.
I can’t seem to convince these dogs & cats that I don’t need their assistance in the bathroom.
reading rob zombie’s name is a real wild ride. at first you’re like “rob? ok, i know what we’re dealing with here”. then things get weird
Don’t EVER let anyone tell you you’re not worth anything. You can get at least ten grand for one of your kidneys.
*adds pineapple to your lasagna*
I have this odd feeling that I’m going to be that crazy old lady that yells at everyone to get off the lawn.
From my apartment balcony.
Accidentally walked into the men’s room so I just went ahead and used the urinal so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.