Have some fun at work: End every comment with a long slow wink
“My report is super late”
*long slow wink*“I swear I didn’t drink at lunch”
*long slow wink*“Oh, I’m fired?”
*long slow wink*
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Sorry about that time I gave you advice that would have made your life ten times better. Good thing you chose to completely ignore it. Phew.
A guy told me I’m bad at flirting and I got so mad I took back all the dead birds I nailed to his door.
Looks like the mayor is getting serious.
Coworker: will I be seeing you at the office ugly sweater party?
Me: no, I’m not ugly
[lips on a snake]
WIFE: what are you doing?
ME: getting rid of the poison
WIFE: you’re supposed to suck your own bite
SNAKE: leave him alone
Hello Darkness, my old frie- *the lights suddenly turn on* oh it’s like that now?
Let’s play doctor. You tell me about your chronic pain, and I’ll stare at a laptop the whole time, then recommend you lose weight.
You know you’re ordering too much takeout food when the delivery guy replies ” it’s me” when you ask who’s at the door.
Oh look the neighbors have a Halloween inflatable
-releases the cats
Man texted: “I want you to be my little angle.”
I answered: “Do you want me to be obtuse, right, or acute?”Two days have passed, no reply.
An HGTV show where they help new college graduates decorate their apartment with furniture found exclusively on the side of the road
INTERVIEWER: your resume says that you take things too literally
ME: how the hell did my resume say that?
*wipes off Chapstick
Weigh me now
I wore a beanie hat in public and people kept trying to buy drugs from me. I made $1200 but now I’m out of breath mints.
BLIND DATE: My last boyfriend thought he was such hot stuff. But he was really just a big fish in a small pond.
ME, a giant worm in a hat and trench-coat: Ha, what a loser! But seriously like how big specifically though?
One normal thing I like to do on my my lunch breaks is go on Zillow with my 20 million dollar budget and my f***ing delusions
I never move faster than when I’m pulling a shirt or sweater over my head. I like to minimize the “murder window” as much as possible.
*Watching a commercial where someone is rock climbing*
*Do not attempt flashes across the screen*
Me: *hasn’t left the couch in 12 hours*
“Okay.”
I’m 53 years old unless I’m driving at night in the rain. Then I’m 107.
Boss: are you sticking to the schedule
Death: yeah of course
Boss: so you’re not killing anyone prematurely to gain access to their earthly wares
Death: *pauses brand new PS5* what are you getting at Roy
My neighbor is having a party for his daughter. I have been listening to Justin Bieber for 3 hours. Do not interact with me.
Her: I’ve never had a piercing.
Me: Guess we’re not counting your voice?
Baller is short for ballerina
I ordered my latte wrong at that new gypsy coffee place and now my shadow is a horse shadow
I just released a new fragrance, and the people on this elevator are not happy about it.
OMINOUS CHANTING
*pentagram starts to glow*
YES! RISE DARK LORD! RISE!
*Satan tosses pillow through portal*
UNGH 5 MORE MINUTES!!!
I’ve tried everywhere so I can confirm that there is no snooze button on a baby.
I went to nearby motivational speaker session
Was disappointed
There were no speaker
Just humans
Can you believe it
[first day at coaching job where I lied pretty badly on my resume]
ok guys, get out there & do some of those *looks at clipboard* slum danks