Nutritionalist: you should eat 2,000 calories a day
Me: ok, how many at night?
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I don’t know why movies bother to use fake blood when our bodies are absolutely filled with their own renewable supply
If a cop tazed me and then yelled “Raiden Wins!”… I would instantly lose all animosity towards him.
if I ever look at my phone in the middle of a conversation with you, I’m not reading a text, I’m just looking up the definition of a word I just used a bit too confidently
wife: Feeling better?
me: Yeah
wife: Kind of overreacted to a cold didn’t you?
[flashback to me calling the Make-A-Wish Foundation]
me: No
Never bring your fists to a knife fight. Never bring a knife to a gun fight. And whatever you do, stay far, far away from a fight between two geese.
Him: It’s like people are going feral.
Me: *looks in mirror*
*tries to run fingers through my hair*
*hand gets stuck in rat’s nest*
*flicks ham off my shirt*
*takes deep breath*
*straightens shoulders*
*lifts chin*It’s finally my time to shine. I shall be their leader.
She believed she could so she did and now I have a meeting with her teacher and the principal.
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
That security feature that hides passwords with asterisks does me no good because my password for everything is eight asterisks.
Commenting on a girl’s “goose-like stamina” is a nice compliment during sex and plants the seed for an interesting fact about geese later on
to the lifeguard saving me: how long can you hold your breath
You fool…sexy ladies are throwing themselves at you and you’re ignoring them because internet nerds have convinced you that “bots” are real
There’s a bald spot in my yard so I’m gonna let the grass around it grow really long and then do a comb-over.
Nobody:
Neighbors: THEYRE ASLEEP LETS SET OFF ALL THE FIREWORKS
You’re not meeting me at my best, my best was like 10 minutes 16 years ago
[robbing Whole Foods]
“All the cash in a bag NOW!”
100% organic reusable bag ok?
“Yes!”
[puts half the cash] I had to charge for the bag
[Live recording of The Oprah Winfrey Show]
Oprah: *excitedly pointing at audience members* You get a car, you get a car and you get a car, *looks me squarely in the eye* not you… *resumes* you get a car, you get a car…
Everyone’s a genius until faced with an alien coffee maker
9: (watching YouTuber play old school Mario)
Me: That’s the game I used to play when I was a kid.
9: You were alive back then?
I just want to be fit enough to reach into my glove compartment, without crying.
I like my coffee so strong that it fails a drug test.
This will be my last writing as I’ve just entered IKEA with my family.
Tell my story.
No, not that one.
No, not that one either. Why would I want you to tell people about my time in a Turkish prison with a pregnant meerkat? Idiot.
*releasing hundreds of balloons from the ceiling onto the dance floor* these are all full of my breath. the inside of my lungs is touching you enjoy your dance
Jay Z: Can I get a what what?
Teacher: Jay Z, can you or may you?
Jay Z: SORRY MAY I GET A WHAT WHAT
Teacher: Yes, you may get a what what.
this is my brain when people are trying to explain card game rules to me:
My friend’s offering to pay for a trip to NY to be her +1 for a wedding.
She’s probably going to drug me & sell my organs. *agrees to go 🙂
Cats are weird. They look at you like they want to set you on fire then look all surprised when you toss them into the ceiling fan.
I bet the hardest part of being a server is having to wait until people’s mouths are full before asking them how the food is.
Someone asked me today about my plans for the Fall and it took me a moment to realize she meant the Autumn and not the collapse of civilization.
Every time I see a person handing out flyers it blows my mind that some people actually get paid to distribute garbage to strangers.