I accidentally typed ‘thee’ and now I’m listening to lute music and my neighbour Jeff just succumbed to the Plague.
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Getting pretty tired of Vin Diesel hopping into the passenger seat yelling “PUNCH IT” when I am just trying to eat my lunch alone in my car
I was in the grocery store when Vogue came on, and while nobody could keep up with my choreography, security did let me finish the routine.
[does ten push ups] I am a weapon
Me: And I was just trapped in my bed, crying for hours
Cop: I’m not surprised with a murderer in your house
Me: There was a murderer in my house?
I hate laundry, dishes, sweeping, mopping, dusting, fixing and fetching. The only logical conclusion is that I am descended from royalty.
Too bad Bill Nye knows science because if he didn’t he could be Bill Deny the Anti-Science Guy
[ interview at funeral home ]
director: are you ok being around death
me: *picturing all my houseplants* yes
I miss the old days when I could say I wasn’t around and you couldn’t check Facebook or twitter to see if I was lying
righty-tighty and lefty-loosey.
– factory defect men’s underwear
Everyone hates the word moist until they eat a very dry muffin.
I love breakdancing. I don’t do it…
Or watch it, even.
I just like it because it allows be to sell cardboard to rich white kids.
At this point making life choices involves liquor and a dart board.
Asian gangs, also known as study groups..
them: is that a real sword
me: why would i walk around with a toy sword. that’s crazy
Made it to the level of old where I turned down a beer so it wouldn’t mess with the aftertaste of the milkshake I just had.
Her: your SO annoying!
Me: you’re 😐
here is what. i plan to accomplish today:
2. bark loudly. but at nothing
7. lose my ball under the couch
7b. politely ask the human. to get my ball
3. immediately lose it again. under the same couch
4. big nap. you have worked hard
2. repeat
Me: it’s time to go
Kids: wait. I cannot possibly leave without my emotional support toothpick but I don’t know where it is
I’m most freaked when I take the dog out after dark and remember it’s stupid white girls like me that are killed first in horror movies.
My neighbors hurt some bystanders by illegally setting off fireworks. If only there had been a good guy with fireworks around to stop them
How confused about the world are you right now, on a scale of 0 to “trying to figure out a friend’s shower”
[Bee diary]
Day one: met a really cute queen bee
Day two: queen bee is now my gf
Day three: my gf cheated on me with my 40,000 roommates
Me: I never use essential oils
Car mechanic: that’s why it’s on fire
Your secret is safeish with me
A moment of silence please. Not for anyone in particular, everyone just shut up.
amateur: taco tuesday
pro: taco everyday
Him: SHE SAID YES!!
Me, handing him fries: you really don’t need to scream that for every customer who supersizes their order, Jeffrey.
It may be an unpopular opinion, so block me if you must, but not all Girl Scout cookies are good. Their “Toast-yay!” should be called “Toast-boo!”
fred flinstone (my landlord): the rent is due
me: say it
fred: pls no
me: i’m not paying
fred: *sighs* the rent is yabba dabba due
me: haha
Can someone help I just stepped into an elevator with Slayer and they won’t stop staring