do you think the guy who designed hand grenades really hated pineapples, or really loved them?
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Reflexes of a cat, coordination of a drunken cricket
Indians will wait 25 years to have sex but not 25 seconds for the traffic signal to turn green.
I went to a singles event once. I didn’t see one slice of Kraft cheese.
I consider that false advertising.
Neighbors having their yearly Xmas party. Not invited again. So don’t tell me the screaming drunken outdoor fights don’t pay off.
my grandpa lived on the ninth floor of his building and he’d still tell you to get off his lawn
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me *trying to suppress laugh as I put on my camo jacket* you can try
If A Book Store Never Runs Out Of A Certain Book, Dose That Mean That Nobody Reads It, Or Everybody Reads It
I have discovered that theirs no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess there’s no point in bothering with hash browns then.
Me: shit that alligator’s waving at me.
Girlfriend: you shouldn’t have told him that you’d see him later.
Me *under the table*: I was just being nice.
Mhm.
Psychic: Bruce Willis was dead the entire time! I did not see that coming at all.
Me: I’d like my money back.
Not Wordle. Just a cactus.
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“I’m a huge fan.” – Peacocks
I saw death today, in the face of the man at the next table, as I heard his wife say “I don’t know, do you THINK I look fat?”
CONTRACTOR: a 5-gallon bucket is the best tool I own
ME, entering buffet: same
Woke up to my 8 year old daughter in bed instead of my wife and for a split second, I thought my wife got Benjamin Button-ed.
whenever i’m laughing i’m always like omg just like that cow from that cheese
Sorry. Can’t. I live in a small town. You know what that’s like. *vague gesture* Super busy avoiding all men from a Big City who might have recently inherited a tree farm & are liable to stay here after being charmed into rediscovering the true meaning of Christmas.
“It’s hotter than a junkie’s spoon in July”
Excuse me, what kind of Florida metric system are we using now??
WIFE: I’m starting to think my husband has lied about his profession.
WIFES FRIEND: Why?
[I walk through the door and hang up my McDonald’s visor]
ME: Hey honey I’m back from the lawyer factory.
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
“No son, leave Santa beer and pretzels”
But daddy, Santa likes-
[gently puts hand on his head]
“do what I say or he’s not coming”
I hate people that sit with you for hours and don’t speak, suddenly want to tell you their life story when you put in your headphones.
Sometimes in life, a bump in the road can alter your course in a new & positive direction!*
*It could also be a raccoon, or a dead jogger.
I hate it when I go to clean my daughters room & I emerge 3 hours later having just finished a delightful tea party with a giraffe & a pony.
I actually turned on the light so the Roomba could “see” where it was going, so I’m not exactly firing on all cylinders today.
*books 90 minute massage*
Me: DON’T TOUCH ME. I’m only here for the nap.
“Are we there yet?”
“ Ha ha! Yes, kids. We’ve been here the whole time! We live in this car now.”