Me: Just one more hit. I need it.
Him: *crying* Think about what you are doing to our family. Please.
Me: *hits snooze button*
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friend: hey man don’t drink too much you know how you get
me: what do you mean
[2 hard lemonades later]
me: we should drive to my boss’ house and steal all his grass. all of it
For the last 60 days, a guy from Tinder has texted me some variation of “Hi. How are you?”
I reply, “Good. You?”
And the conversation trails off there or after a few more texts.
He never makes plans to go out.
I guess he’s just making an Excel spreadsheet about how I am.
[a giant killer salmon is attacking the city]
cop: [throws smoke bomb]
me: “all you’ve done is make him extra delicious you idiot”
I was thinking earlier that what I really need is someone who will ask me a few times a day if I’m hungry and if I am will just fix me food and make me eat it and then I realized I just invented moms
Kids these days know “I Want It That Way” by Backstreet Boys from a Febreze commercial and I’ve never felt older…until I started this tweet with “Kids these days”.
COP: License and registration please
ME: Can’t sell ya those but I do have drugs
Biden: What if we paint the Mexican flag in the office
Obama: Joe, no
Biden: I already ordered the paint
Obama: Joe
Inside you are two wolves as city sprawl continues driving them from their natural habitat
Brain: eat that entire pizza
Stomach: please don’t
Me: *eats pizza*
Stomach: i hurt so much
Me: i feel sick
Brain: eat that dessert
Me: okay
Stomach: oh my god
Should we be concerned about where Home Depot keeps getting these 12 foot skeletons?
[Before 9 was invented]
7: damn I’m hungry
You love him. Your parents approve him. He buys you flowers and chocolate. He wrote you a poem that rhymes “wood” with “food.”
Does anyone know the difference between an elk and a deer?
Cos I think I just ran over a cyclist.
[blind date]
HER: I’ve been reading up on Plato
ME {trying to impress her}: I know from experience you shouldn’t eat it
With children it’s important to be specific. For example, I told my 5-year-old to sneeze into an elbow. He sneezed into an elbow. My elbow.
I’m in pretty decent shape for a dude who was in a serious car accident and spent the last six weeks recovering in a hospital bed. That didn’t happen to me–it’s just a good yardstick for the kind of shape I’m in.
Naughty at 40 is a hoax
Welcome to age of joint pains and loads of stress
him: [has seen Jaws, is smart, knows what to do when he hears the Jaws theme music]
me: [has never seen Jaws, is dead now]
[on date]
HER: I cant see u anymore
ME (hiding under table): lol I know
H: no I mean I cant see u anymore
M (still under table): lol I know
Good morning to everyone except my baby, who already said good morning to me at 1 a.m., 3 a.m., and 5:46 a.m.
I just saved a ton of money by using my Pizza Hut points to order free pizza- earned from the ton of money I spent on previously ordered pizza.
What idiot called it Santa’s holiday and not his sleighcation?
Hotel California is basically a negative Yelp review with a two minute guitar solo.
proctologist: [removing three nerf darts] do I have to ask
me: no you can have them
Come back with a warrant
I have a new favorite conspiracy theory
i wish we could shoplift online
When my husband says ‘let me ask my wife,’ he’s just using me as an excuse to get out of whatever you’re asking him to do.
first time in subway and the worker took a picture of my order 😭😭 am I doing this wrong
“Why put a baseball bat up when you can just lay it down on a stair in the middle of the stairway? What could go wrong?”
~My son apparently