I dread doing laundry as if I didn’t have a machine that washes the clothes for me and another that dries them for me, as I do nothing
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Do one person every day that scares you.
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into a volcano
king: how would that hel—
advisor: [throwing steΦen in] help what
DATE: I need a shot. Any recommendations?
BARTENDER: *looks me up & down* Penicillin.
[trying to unhook a bra]
*kung fu noises*
“Nice” – first kangaroo to realise it had a pocket
The burrito I ate for lunch today just sent me a push notification.
haunted house: get. out.
me: (telling spicy gossip) right?
billy joel: we didn’t start the fire
detective: I haven’t mentioned a fire
billy joel: shit
Man about to invent sparkling water: Water is so good but I wish that it tasted terrible and made me feel sick.
Worth remembering.
No you dumb uncultured idiot, just because I’m an Indian doesn’t mean I use a flying carpet to get around. I use an elephant like everyone else.
If a performance is exceptionally bad, I throw potatoes. They’ll remember next time.
Welcome to middle age. Prepare to pay for everything you’ve done to your body over the last 40 years.
my beach body is like my amazon package: delayed indefinitely
Him: Take off your socks. They don’t belong in bed.
Me: My socks are off, though.
Him: I meant the sock puppets on your hands.
Right sock puppet: Well, you’re no fun.
Left sock puppet: *blows raspberries*
Idea for a ghost hunting show: have calm people investigate shit
“Do not touch” must be one of the most terrifying things to read in braille
Priest: tell me your confessions
Me: I said the f word twice this week
Priest: [70% sure I stole his meatball sub from the church fridge] anything else
Shout out to the little teapot song for making it okay to be short & stout.
Me: “Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?”
Her:
Me: “I SAID, DID IT HUR-”
Medic: “Step aside sir”
Finally got the kids to rub my back by pretending it was ticklish
I will love you ’til the end of time, or until my blood alcohol level normalizes, whichever comes first.
There are no atheists in parking lots where you’ve dropped your phone face down on the asphalt.
My 3 year old reported seeing a spider-cricket and I couldn’t find it so we’re outside watching the house burn.
Apparently this weekend there will be constant rane, hale, gails, drissle, thundre, litnin, hy tydes, tawnaydoes and frizzing colde.
Really bad spell of wether.
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
mugger: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
me: My best friend will protect me
mugger: Haha, right-
[my dog appears spinning dual nunchucks]
First Dates are like seeing a new doctor for the first time. How much do you want to tell them before you sound crazy.
the three genders