I’m way too old for this shit.
*What I say every day as if I’m suddenly gonna start getting younger.
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I successfully avoided the red-eye flight and got the much milder pink eye flight.
Also, those little Swiss Army knives are great when you need a tiny pair of scissors to open your Gummi Bears like some kind of crack head.
The kids left w/my parents for a week. I plan to run around the house for an hour yelling “woo hoo”, but after that my schedule is wide open
Me: don’t ever speak like that to me again
Alarm clock: *continues to beep*
Why is there an eject button on the DVD remote? You still have to get up & take the disc out. It’s like having a remote to open the fridge.
Which undead creature most enjoys playing hide-and-seek?
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A wherewolf.#happyhalloween
They say you shouldn’t eat right before bed so now I just wait until I’m in bed.
Oh no. My girlfriend sold her hair to buy me a pocket watch chain and I also bought myself a pocket watch chain.
Find someone that threatens to fight everyone as often as you do
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care of most
batman [clenching fist]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
BUZZFEED: Is Internet Clickbait Dumbing Down Society?
Lick your fingers & stick them in a power socket to learn the shocking answer.
I took a Viagra just to see what would happen, I couldn’t sit down for four hours.
Narrator: Ursula should never be left unsupervised.
I had to call some kid’s mom last night to tell her he’s selling pot, and that it’s waaay overpriced.
I love my bodyguard. I would take a bullet for him
anything is possible with the right attitude and a sledgehammer
i mentioned that my parents have been married 40 years and my gf was like “wow, i wonder what it would be like to love someone for 40 years” and it’s like, just to be clear, my parents wouldn’t know
don’t talk to me or my son or my son’s son or my son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s s
I appreciate the optimism, guys, but I’m fairly confident it’s going to be Charles.
My teen used the word buoyancy to describe something, so I asked her to spell that, and without missing a beat she said ” Duh Beyoncé “
Nobody has ever partied as hard as skeletons in a cemetery in a 1930s cartoon. Using their heads as bongos. Doing cartwheels.. Letting one skelly use a broom to sweep them up into a big bone pile. The Euphoria kids could never
Sometimes the fudge you bought on vacation turns out to be soap, but never the reverse. That’s how vacations work.
Him: Do you swallow?
Me: Every time I chew.
I don’t know who needs to hear this*, but vinegar isn’t a condiment
*The British. The British need to hear this
I will never fall victim to Groupthink. I have perfectly unique opinions that no one else has, and they are the dumbest bullshit you’ve ever heard
*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
If I like my job am I a “gruntled” employee??
Heard covid makes everything taste like lacroix. I am now wearing seven masks
[Planning Rustic Vacation]
Me: Should we rent a cabin or a cottage?
Her: What’s the difference?
M: Well, cottages are usually home to witches who eat children; cabins usually contain partying teens who get murdered by a psychopath.
H: I meant in price.
This household only uses the finest of cat hair on its sandwiches.
If you can make dinosaurs out of a mosquito in amber and some frogs you can probably also make dinosaurs that don’t want to escape and murder everyone feels like maybe Jurassic Park should have workshopped this more.