There are certain people who assume that I’m intelligent.
These people aren’t aware that I cannot tear off perforated paper.
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If you don’t have one final pee, “for the road,” are you even over 40?
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
I have decided to forgive my own student loans. Peace be with you.
Optimus Prime: The Decepticons are fast approaching. They seek to destroy us.
Optimist Prime: Maybe they just want to say hello
Optometrist Prime: Cover one eye and shout out the big ones
My kids are always accusing me of having a favorite child which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them
wife: listen you have to help me be accountable when it comes to eating better
me: no this is a trap i will not fall for anymore.
Me: I got bitten on my walk by a Great Dane
Her: My God – imagine if it had been a small child
Me: I could have fought off a small child, Alice
If I were Jesus I would be seriously spooked by all the buildings with giant crosses.
Writers who become addicted to pseudonyms have to join Anonymous Anonymous.
Black ice is just like regular ice except it dies first in movies.
rich people when they have to pay taxes
Zombies and I have a lot in common; we both walk around aimlessly looking for something to eat.
judas: hey man want to come out to last supper
jesus: what?
judas: regular supper, we’re having regular supper tonight, are you free
Javascript is when your doctor writes you a prescription for more coffee. Everyone knows that.
If you are ever a dog, just refuse to eat for like two days, and after that, your person will be so happy you are eating, you will get as much chicken as you like
Him: Don’t say anything about his hair
Me: Ok
My brain: HOW hair hairy HAVE hair YOU hairy hair BEEN? hair
are there any atheist mantises?
You know when two cops park their cars facing opposite directions so they can talk to each other through their driver-side windows? That’s called a 6-9-1-1.
ME: What does synonym mean?
MY MOM: It’s another word for something[Later on date]
ME: You wanna get synonym from the dessert menu, Sharon?
Me: *Trying to sneak to the fridge for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
SON: Can I have a cookie?
ME: Ask nicer.
SON: May I please have a cookie?
ME: Like a Canadian.
SON: So sorry, could I please trouble you for one of your delicious cookies, good sir, eh? It’s okay if you say no. There’s probably a more deserving child.
ME: *hands over cookie*
Friend: My baby turned 3 today. He’s growing up so fast!
Me: He’s actually growing up at an equal speed to every other human being on the planet.(why I’m not invited to birthday parties anymore.)
Spiders were super disappointed when they finally saw the world wide web.
The local children surround me, trying to build a pyre. I’M NOT A WITCH, I shriek, my witch-like shrieking doing me no favours whatsoever
There are many to choose from but my favorite quote from the Godfather is when he says “it’s-a me, The Godfather”
Wife: What are you gonna do today?
Me: Shower.
W: …what else?
M: Make a new iTunes playlist.
W: Wow.
M: Might not have time for a shower.
i be like “why does god give me his hardest battles” and the battle is cooking instead of ordering delivery
At a secluded mountaintop convent, I would be the third nun to go insane.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Give Jesus a fish, and you and your family will eat nothing but that one fish for a lifetime.