People are so nosy, always asking me what I just injected into their neck. Don’t worry about it!
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Why do football players only dance when good shit happens? Just once I wanna see a QB throw an interception & do a sad, interpretive dance.
Older women aren’t afraid to ask for exactly what they want.
Doughnuts. I want doughnuts.
I had two mice from the local church at my door last night.
They wanted to talk to me about cheeses
Her: your SO annoying!
Me: you’re 😐
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you wonder what crazy foot deformity she has that her shoes won’t fit anyone else in the kingdom.
Yes, I would take a bullet for you.
We’re still talking about shoplifting at the ammo store right?
me: did you hear about the letters “N” and “A”?
him: no
me: they were a-salt-ed
him:
me: a-SALT-
him: leave
I’ve been saying I’ll sleep when I’m dead for so long, I’m starting to really look forward to dying.
Someone: he doesn’t look so good.
Someone else: we have to say the magic words!
Chanting: whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza, whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza…
Me: *slowly rises from the dead*
my daughter is never hungrier than immediately after refusing the food we’ve offered her
New Password: Elephants
<Not strong enough>
New Password: Ants
<Too strong>
New Password: BabyBearsPorridge
<Just right>
‘gamer’ & ‘foodie’ are bullshit labels because they suggest you are something b/c you passively enjoy something everyone passively enjoys
no bullshit scientists really nailed it when they named the big toe
[sipping hot orange juice] if you’re breaking up with me at least give me a reason
side view mirror: be careful that car on your right is pretty close
me: it’s fine there’s room
side view mirror: IT’S PRACTICALLY INSIDE YOU
cw: what did you do at the weekend?
me: friends treated me to a bloated birthday meal
cw: I think you mean belated?
m: *recalling the deep-fried pufferfish* I know exactly what I mean
convinced HR to revise the language in my termination letter to read: despite multiple warnings he refused to stop misusing the defibrillator to “tingle his pants”
women at the gym use every other treadmill like men do urinals
parents, please remember to teach your children not to talk to strangers, you know how boring your children are
My sports team is better than your sports team!
“Is not!”
Is too!
“IS NOT!”
*pulls out giant foam finger*
Whoa man, be cool
*working in hospital with med student*
me: ok so this patient is here today with a lot of crystals
med student: oooh u mean like those healing crystals
me: no the crystals are in their urine
med student: oooh so like harming crystals
me: correct
“I’m wet and have crabs.” That’s what sea said.
I found a few packages of paper towels at the grocery store today, so I looked around to see if I was being punk’d.
[buys ghostbusters ringtone]
ME: who ya gonna call?
[1 hour later]
ME: who ya gonna call?!
[2 days later]
ME: *sobbing* I am so lonely
Detective: The robber broke into the Popeye’s but didn’t take any money, in fact no one has seen him leave.
Me *disguised as a cop*: Weird, right? We should put the fried chicken and red beans and rice in my Corolla for protective custody.
NURSE: ur concerned about ur patient huh? Youve been pacing in circles for 10 mins
DR DOG: haha no im just trying to find a spot to lie down
me: *kicks a stone*
mountain: my baby
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
mumsnet is amazing
Safety first