Turns out when society collapses, every single person has the exact same instinct and it is to bake bread
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“Everybody freeze!”
-November
A snow angel, except a floor covered in puppies.
SOCRATES: The only thing I know is that I know nothing.
ME: Aw, hey, don’t say that. You know things.
SOCRATES: No, I meant—
ME: If you want I can teach you some stuff.
SOCRATES:
ME:
SOCRATES:
ME: *Points* That’s a tree.
Him: Can you decide quickly?
Me, 20 minutes later: No.
*opens kitchen drawer*
Me: Whoa, what’s with all the whisks?
Sir-Mix-a-Lot: Why you judgin me?
Welcome to your 30s. Water gives you heartburn.
Wife: our house is a mess, we should throw some stuff out. I’ll start with the bedr-
Me: DON’T YOU DARE TOUCH MY BED RUM!
Uber: “I’m in a blue Honda Civic.”
Me: “ok”
Me to me: “ok, we know what blue is”
Donner? Party of 87? Your table is ready.
People use the term lab rat pejoratively even though there is probably no finer life than one dedicated to solving puzzles and eating cheeses.
no officer these drugs aren’t mine i stole them
In order to catch herpes…
You need to think like a herpe.
ON PHONE WITH MY MOM
HER: You still single and living with your stray cat family?
ME: *proudly* No I am not!
*high fives my pet penguin
[restaurant]
WAITER: Would you like a booth or a table?
TERMITE: [handing back menu] The table sounds delicious, thanks
I just asked my friend to come over and “play husband”. He’s gonna be pissed when he finds out we are putting together shelves from ikea.
[at the gym]
wheat: *flexing* you like what you see babe?
*shredded wheat walks by*
wheat: SONOFA
You don’t love me? Don’t worry, the first step is denial.
Instagram’s down? What am I supposed to do with my cat? Stroke it?
[Therapy]
Me: What do you mean “boundary issues?”
Therapist (gently pushing me off his lap): Why don’t you put some clothes on & we’ll talk?
So hot these last few days I’ve consumed 1,473,968 gallons of water and only peed 3 times
Everything was great until I opened my mouth.
– An autobiography
making it rain (CHEETOS) in the club (my bedroom)
Stop sending me this shit.
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
Me: You think you’re soooo cool, wearing shades indoors
My lamps:
Postcards are just weird. It’s like, “Hey everyone, feel free to read what I wrote to my aunt until it’s delivered to her house.”
I only share nudes on the off chance that person is a doctor and can spot a weird mole.
Affordable healthcare, bb!
Mermaids: Can’t live with them, can’t beat them in a potato sack race.
I love long walks on the beach with my girlfriend, until the Ambien wears off and I realize I’m dragging a stolen mannequin through the Taco Bell parking lot.