I haven’t worn corduroy since that time I almost died in a fire chasing the ice cream man…
You Might Also Like
[two atoms side-to-side on a DNA chain]
“Hi.”
“Hi. U look familiar. Were u on A3564β before it went supernova?”
“Yes.”
“U still owe me $20.”
My kids in public are direct payback for every time I shriek’d
PLEASE DON’T HIT ME AGAIN at my mom in the middle of a crowded mall as a kid.
Me: Would you tell a friend or co-worker if they have bad breath?
Wife: Of course
M: Even tho it’ll upset them?
W: Yes, must be cruel to be kind
M: *handing over mouthwash* You’ll be needing this, then
W: I despise you
A book commits suicide every time you watch a reality show.
Free pizza at work got me like “Fine, I’ll come back on Monday”.
I can’t take this anymore. I’m breaking into the zoo and throwing myself into the meerkat exhibit
Hot single dads in your area AREN’T WORKING 60 HOURS A WEEK FOR YOU TO AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD SHUT THE GODDAMN DOOR.
Website: Make a password
Me: Ok
Website: Make it STRONGER so you don’t get HACKED
Me: Wow alright
Website: Damn that’s a strong password
[1 Week Later]
Website: You got hacked
Me: But my password was so strong
Website: Yeah the whole site got hacked. Our bad
Modded the new Gran Turismo
Learned a lot during my barefoot walk through the forest. Mainly that acorns are the earth’s legos
Almost fell down the stairs. Will try again tomorrow.
If you love someone let them go, if they come back without donuts let them go again.
Shout out to whichever childless person invented toys that erupt in an epic sound and light show when you toss em in the toy box at night.
Netflix asked if I was still watching Barbie Dreamhouse Adventures and I clicked continue watching and then realised none of the kids had been in the room for at least half an hour
So many accidents occur in the home. I once turned a dimmer switch too fast and got beamed into another dimension
message to the girl on the skateboard who almost rode into me because she was taking an enormous bite of a hotdog and not paying attention: i love you. you are my wife now. i will never hurt you.
1 am: can’t sleep
2 am: can’t sleep
3 am: can’t sleep
4 am: can’t sleep
5 am: can’t sleep
5:57 am: falls into a deep and dreamless sleep, sleep like a tomb, cool and silent and–
6 am: ALARM
My superpower is turning food and drink into larger pants.
Science memes
Me: I bought mini cinnamon rolls
Friend: how many?
Me: I don’t know how, but they’re tiny
Why are there never any cool side affects from drugs?
Like “this drug may cause severe sexiness”
I hope this tweet finds you in contact with reality.
In high school I wasn’t quite able to talk myself into joining the debating team.
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: The men be ready to attack
PIRATE: Arr!
FIRST MATE: Oh sorry…the men “are” ready to attack
Either you stay with a comedian, or you leave long enough to become part of their routine
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
Me: “If Americans say ‘sidewalk’, what do we mean in England?”
My six year old: “Crab!”
Me: We’re only here for a short while, so we should love one another and hold each other as much as possible.
Guy in back of elevator: Can you just press 19?
Remember to check on elderly neighbours in this hot weather, as they usually have ice creams in the freezer.
I think parents should choose unisex names for their babies like Parsnip or Brisket.