[date]
me: what’s your type?
her: I like a man who doesn’t get jealous
me: WHO IS HE
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Don’t ever sing Three Times a Lady to a woman that’s gained 20 pounds.
My husband knows this now.
you play enough angry birds and you realize: the angry bird is you.
I’m totally fine with everyone leaving the country if Trump wins or if Hillary wins. I need more space
5yo to 3yo: Clean up these Legos or I won’t get to play on my iPad.
Yeah, my 5yo is gonna do great in middle management.
[on a deserted island, receives message in a bottle]
“We’ve been trying to reach you regarding your car’s expired warranty”
Thursday, 4:01pm
“Still there.”
“Yep.”
“Looks blue.”
“It certainly does.”
“Wet too.”
“Totally.”
“See you next week?”
“Count on it.”
[At the pearly gates]
Me: what was it like, watching my life from up here?
Saint Peter: the book was so much better.
How did my operation go Doc?
Dr ;
What?
Dr ;
Omg I’ve only got half a colon?
Me: Can’t wait to sit on my front porch with my black cat and frighten children.
Coworker: I love Halloween.
Me: I meant after work today.
The Willy Wonka grandparents were connected under the covers, like a rat king.
my premium snap prices:
-pics of me crying: $5
-videos of me crying: $10
-videos of me crying in the mirror while throwing the peace sign: $15
Want his attention?
Send nudes
Want to piss him off?
When he responds,
reply “Oops, wrong person”
It’s ‘before’ not ‘B4’…
We don’t speak Bingo here…
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is about your state that makes people want to flee the Earth?
To err is human… To not know what err means is American.
Pretty arrogant of Red Delicious Apples to put “delicious” in their name. Like calm down. You’re still just an apple. You ain’t no prize.
My doctor says I shouldn’t brush my teeth. I guess that’s why he’s not a dentist
you guys all say you hate lawyers until you need our help navigating the extremely burdensome and unforgiving system we designed
Thanks for using our drive through. Please park over there and wait 20 minutes and someone will bring out 85% of the stuff you ordered.
If I had a dime for every time my kids called mom I could buy my own island but my kids would still find me.
Them: You should spend time with the ones you love. You never know when they’ll be taken from you.
Me: You’re absolutely right.
[buys the concert tickets]
I ordered the chick on page 3 in the Victoria’s Secret catalog…
But all they sent me was her underwear.
I keep calling one of my soccer players by the wrong name but in my defense I’ve only been coaching the team for a month and I’m her mother.
shepherd: SWEET CAROLINE
sheepdog: god i hate this guy
sheep: BAH BAH BAH
sheepdog: ok i hate all of you
After several Steven Segal films in a row, you’d think bad guys would know to avoid rooms that contain both him & a PoolTable
[unleashes dog at dog park]
me: don’t embarrass me now
dog: i won’t*sees pretty girl*
me: hi, i’m–
dog: he drinks wine through a straw
When you win a game of monopoly the owner of Hasbro shows up to hand you back the last 36 hours of your life.
Hairdresser: How much should I trim off the back?
Me: Leave it long enough for him to wrap around his fist twice.
My 4yo saw a squirrel eating an apple and asked if he could eat an apple. So now I’m feeding the squirrel organic carrots and broccoli.
I had a client Zoom in for Court, smoking a cigarette and beer in hand, slurring words.
Words I never thought I’d hear a judge say: “You’re in court right now. Quit smoking. Put that beer down.”