Therapist: ‘Strange. Weird. Odd.’
Me: ‘Am I paying for this?’
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what if eric trump is actually a nigerian prince
How long do you have to stop eating a meal before calling it leftovers?
WIFE: You promised you’d take the dog out.
ME: Okay, fine.
[later]
DOG: This is a really nice place.
ME: *looking up from menu* What are you gonna have?
Some of you keep touting donuts
as the best breakfast food …..But there are holes in your arguments.
I don’t often get suspicious,but squirrels rubbing their tiny hands together? I worry they won the lottery & hired a good hit & run attorney
My 1-year-old already knows how to open the baby gate. She stands there, screams, and I open the gate for her.
Me: *holding a baby* How do you reboot this thing?
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, that’s amore.
When you swim in the sea and an eel bites your knee, that’s a moray.
If I were a rapper I’d write a lyric like “Get money, make cupcakes. Must be winter ‘cuz I be frosting,” and my pseudonym would be One-Zee.
“how can you be single?”
*smirks*
gimme 60 seconds, you’re about to find out
So when a cop asks you why you have a handcuff key on your key ring, saying it was his wife’s idea will get you a free ride in his cop car
adulthood is arrogantly deleting and then sadly downloading tinder & uber eats over and over and over
ladies, I know we are all lonely in quarantine, but you need to quit calling me like “this is your student loan provider just letting you know that a SWAT team is on their way”
Damn Girl, did you just get in a water balloon fight or are you happy to see me?
[wears my camouflage hat] where’s my camouflage hat
ME: (throwing my car keys to the valet) Run me over real quick, chief.
(meeting somebody for the first time and panicking)
i wonder if it’s possible to swim from one end to the other in a pool filled with mashed potatoes ?
And y’all thought 2020 was going to be the worst year
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh, sorry. 2 minutes down the road
“Let me be clear” the sliding glass door said as I face planted it.
[first date]
me: [don’t let her know you’re a microwave]
her: my food is a bit cold
me: [my head starts slowly rotating]
[yelling to bartender in crowded nightclub] WHAT KIND OF CAPRI SUN FLAVORS DO YOU HAVE?
me: hello darkness my old friend
darkness: friend is a strong word
The best way to let someone know you hate them is to ask them to be in a wedding
It was thirty seconds til daybreak
I waited patiently
And then it dawned on me
I once had a girlfriend and then she got to know me.
I don’t want a sugar daddy but maybe like a sugar buddy. I just hit him up like “Hey how are you today?” and he replies “Doing great thanks for asking here’s $7,000. “
Jiminy Cricket: [singing] Always let your conscience be your g–
Me: *sprays insect repellent*
Who wants to hear about my Wordle streak? Anyone? Hey, where ya guys going?