The lengths my ex will go to in order to make me jealous are astounding. Like getting married and having a kid. IT’S NOT WORKING, JANET
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No thanks, malls. I shop from home without pants like a normal person.
Hubs: How mean of my wife to teach the kid to hide my stuff at exact place it is supposed to be
[dinner w/friends]
“How long you two been married?”
It’s been thirt- (wife shaking head)
teenish twenty- (still shaking)
for a long time.
Just overheard at the library:
“This is a place of learning. I don’t understand why shoes are required!”
You threw. Our tea. In the harbour. And then you changed the spelling of harbour. We do not. Forget.
Instructor: Welcome to our Summer with Kids Preparedness class. Our first lesson is how to apply sunscreen. Everyone grab an angry raccoon.
My dad said it’s important to carry a compass when I go hiking, in case I ever get lost. I have no idea how drawing perfect circles will help, but I’m not one to question authority.
Anybody want to buy some exercise equipment? I’m having a going-out-of-fitness sale.
Eating marshmallow fluff to intimidate the ghost that lives in my apartment
Pro Tip: don’t buy cheap duct tape. Your basement guests can chew right through that.
How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final front ear.
ME: someone stole my credit card number
BANK: why would they spend $187 at a hot dog stand?
ME: [hangs head in shame] that wasn’t them
DR DOG: It says you’re here for a blood test. First, some questions. Number one: over the last six months who’s been a good boy?
Fellow senior citizens:
If a young person replies “dead” to your joke, they liked it.
You don’t need to push your lifealert button.
Why did they call it an umbilical cord and not womb service?
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
A triumphant is an especially successful elephant.
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: I make text look like faces
professor XD : what?
“People who shed hair should clean up their hair”
14yo horrified, cleaning bathrooms for the first time in his life.
HOUSE: I had dreams but no I’ll just stay here & let u live in me, fine whatever
WIFE: Did u hear something
ME: It’s just the house settling
ever since i put all my eggs in one basket i have received unsolicited egg advice, you dont know my life, you dont know what im all about
My husband hasn’t forgiven me for answering ‘Okie dokie artichokie’ instead of utilizing the more socially acceptable phrase, “I do.”
Cats playing poker makes more sense. Dog’s tails would be a tell.
He had a cocktail in one hand, a cigarette in the other, and a beautiful woman half his age in the other. Then in the other a green tennis ball.
They called him… The Juggler
me: time for some laundry 🙂
laundry machine: ok 🙂
me: ok time to dry 🙂
dryer: i’ve invented a new knot. it transcends humanity’s current understanding of geometry. and i am testing it for the first time on your sheets
Cop 1: You think Simon will escape?
Cop 2: Nah, he’s locked up in there good.
Simon: Simon Says free me.
Cop 1: Dang it, he got us.
I’ve seen wax fruit less fake than you
Let’s all smash our hands together repeatedly to indicate that we enjoyed that thing.
Online piracy is bad, one time I downloaded a boat
Foal me once, I have a baby horse. Foal me twice, no one needs this many baby horses. Foal me thrice, please stop. I have no room for them.