HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i get angry wrong?
HER: yes
ME: *balling toes* this is delightful
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Being a mother is truly a gift. My son surprised me by stopping in to visit yesterday. Last night when I went to watch TV, I no longer had one.
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
Just been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants.
Feefiphobia.
When a raccoon stands up and cracks his knuckles, stop shaving him immediately.
ENTER PASSWORD
> bench85
PASSWORD TOO WEAK. TRY AGAIN.
> bench285
BRO!
King Tut: I just need a one-time investment from you to get my tomb business going
me: I don’t know, kinda sounds like a pyram–
King Tut: like a what?
me: *sigh* sounds like a multi-level mausoleum
Selena Gomez’s friend gave her a kidney and Meghan Markle’s friend set her up with a prince and I’m not saying I’m ungrateful for my friends but I am saying that they really need to step it up
sorry not a big fan what other vegetables do you have on the cob
*shipwrecked diary*
Day 1: alone, doing well. Mentally sound. Met a crab
Day 2: I have married the crab.
Day 3: I have eaten my wife.
[Donald Duck opens gift]
Daisy: It’s pants. Try them on!
Donald: [stands] STOP TRYING TO CHANGE ME WOMAN
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “A flat tire”.
Beast: I’ll be like this until someone loves me for who I am
Ugly girl: I’ll love you for who you are
Beast: not you, someone attractive. So I really learn my lesson
*returns tent to Target*
CASHIER: What was the problem?
ME: The packing implied that there would be a family that loves me inside the tent
“Cute shoes! What material is that? Can I feel them?”
– I say, reaching under the bathroom stall
*Attempts to use ‘I have a boyfriend’ meme*
Meme: I have a boyfriend.
Put those painful memories somewhere the mind can’t see them.
Alcohol: *ears perk up*
Quarantine Day 21: Turns out I don’t hate my coworkers as much as I thought I did.
‘why do people post shit online that never happened just for likes and attention’ my cat asked me
Hubby got all smug when our son asked him for girl advice so I confirmed that if he wants to bag a girl like me then daddy’s the man for the job and shut that shit down
unbelievably distressed by this ad
Relationship status – table for one but drinks for two
I wish I could literally LMAO..That sounds like a lot more fun than 90 minutes at the gym.
Im on a date I want to leave how do i leave without-nevermind I said that out loud he left
Cave rescue is going to make an incredible movie, can’t wait to see Scarlett Johansson inspire in her role as 12 Thai boys.
If I ever start with ‘this one time I went jogging…..’
I am not telling the truth.
You pulled out in front of me.
Now you’re going slow.
I don’t like my car.
I will win this one.
No one:
Me: Is my body still under warranty?
Congrats to everyone who just got cast in the new Star Wars movie. The film industry is telling you they think you look like an alien.
Don’t forget to celebrate Columbus Day by moving in to someone else’s house and telling everyone it’s yours, then closing the post office.
It’s not the holidays until I see two minivans with red noses lock antlers over a parking space at Target.