first day in the secret service. all the guys hazed me into kissing the president
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I didn’t realize how many of the songs on my iPod are about sex and drugs until I hit “shuffle” in a car with a 12-year-old in it.
me: three breakfast sandwiches, two everything bagels, four chocolate donuts, and coffee
drive-thru person: how many coffees?
me: one please
<thud>
*shoe lands on sidewalk
*picks up shoe
*sees it’s my size
*looks up
*sees man stuck in tree
*sits
*waits for the other shoe to drop
[Creation]
God: These dinosaurs are ruining the place!
Angel: Maybe they’ll evolve?
G: *throws a rock*
A: Sick shot!
G: Next time, apes
*laughs all the way to the bank*
*cries all the way back*
genie: you get three wishes
me: i wish you were terrible at math
genie: ok you’re out of wishes
me: wait no
Anyone else ever wondered how long it would take a giraffe to throw up ?
“Woah woah hey woah”
[me attempting to breakup a fight]
Revenge is a dish best served with a laxative that looks like chocolate.
me: [hits guy with sock full of pennies]
him: is that all you got
me: yeah inflation’s bad
Mayonnaise is cum. When you put it on a sandwich, you’re spreading cum on your bread. When you ask for it on a burger, you ordered cum.
Girl, are you a barnacle? Because you suck and I can’t get you off my boat
Sorry I said, “Whoa, hope he’s good at math.” when you showed me your kid’s finger painting.
I feel bad for photons that travel 93 million miles from the sun and then have to bounce off your stupid face.
My 8 year-old desperately wants to be a teacher when she grows up and loves pretending she’s a teacher around the house. Today I found her eating a cupcake in the kitchen and when I asked her who said that was OK she replied, “it’s teacher appreciation day”
7yo: Mom, did you really lose my tooth?
Me: I’m going to be completely hones-
7: *begins crying*
Me: Daddy did. He totally did.
A Spanish friend working in UK happily for years reply to taunts re being kicked out: “Well, I can choose 27 other countries; you can’t”
Waved back to a person who wasn’t actually waving to ME, so I turned my wave into jumping jacks to avoid looking stupid.
This body wash smells like a smoothie !!!
This body wash does not taste like a smoothie !!!
Can someone Venmo me $74,000?
I’ll take you camping.
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t even brag about it.
Me: what make of dog is that?
Her: breed
Me [hands on knees]: I am, I’m just out of breath cos I ran over to ask what make of dog that is
Uber: “I’m in a blue Honda Civic.”
Me: “ok”
Me to me: “ok, we know what blue is”
strapless bras are cool cause by the end of the night you have a new belt
In case you don’t watch Crime TV let me just tell you, if you’re going to commit a crime don’t take your cell phone with you.
Air Bud trembles in fear after the opposing team drapes a basketball jersey over a vacuum cleaner and puts it on their starting lineup.
*pushes vending machine over
NO YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
me: want to help me save the bees this weekend?
her: sure!
[later]
her: uhhh, this isn’t what i thought it would be
me: *pauses reading the bible to a beehive* what do you mean
Finally cleans my toaster tray
Finds the map to the lost city of Arzkab
HEY JUST BECAUSE YOU HAD A KID DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STOP POSTING PICTURES OF YOUR DOG