Guys guide to AC levels in car with spouse:
If you’re hot, she’s cold
If you’re comfortable, she’s cold
If you’re cold, she’s not in the car
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By age 35 you should have at least two thirds of your hard drive space taken up by recursively nested copies of the hard drives from all your previous computers
Corgi: why are my legs so short?
God: that’s just what legs look like.
Corgi: oh cool.
[giraffe walks by]
Corgi:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
Mom of newborn: They say the crying gets better after seven weeks.
Newborn: *cries*
Me: *cries better*
Me: I only want two strips of bacon.
Buffet bacon: Have this clump of 87 pieces of bacon.
My hair stylist asked for a pic so she could assess my hair for a comeback appointment and I was just told she suddenly left the country.
SISTER: i’m engaged!
ME: awwwwwwwwewwww
SISTER: did you sneak an ‘ew’ in there
ME: …no
Are you a guest? No, you aren’t. You live here. *takes away napkin and hands you a paper towel*
My son just said, “Peace on Earth, goodwill to men,” and shot me in the face with a Nerf™️ gun.
I think some of you need an exorcism not an intervention.
I mean, really though, who hasn’t seen a UFO at this point?
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I only eat free range chicken because I only eat food that was given the illusion of freedom before it was murdered
Too bad you can’t get abs from laughing at your own jokes because I would be shredded.
Is this you?
A girl on TikTok just said she is wearing her aunts vintage top from the early 2000’s and I’m dead.
“Son, you suck.”
-Dracula, teaching his children basic survival tactics
In my 20s, I was bullied by a crow the size of a chicken for several months.
A recent study states that people should only shower every 3-4 days. “Stop being an idiot,” said one wife who lives in my house.
Jaws 2 (1978): after the sudden death of his father, a young shark is forced to take over the family business in a seaside resort.
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *backseat full of penguins* Um, I’m guessing the aquarium called?
When you are having a new mattress installed, remember to hide your “toys” BEFORE the movers arrive.
Saw a store that has a sign that reads, “We treat you like family!”
Yup, NOT going in there.
Being trapped at Burning Man seems almost as bad as being trapped in a conversation with someone who went to Burning Man
every. time.
Does racism still exist? Let’s go to this panel of white people to find out.
[on drive home]
i cant believe you said “don’t bother” when my dad said he’d be there in spirit
“i don’t want ghosts at our wedding linda”
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
I’m always trying to trick my wife into believing that one of her favorite celebrities is Canadian. I call it mooselighting.
Parents, if your child asks, “Why do you look so tired all the time?” Don’t sugarcoat things; let them know you didn’t start looking this way until after they were born.