Halloween decorating with a 6yo is fun. You get to say things like “no cobwebs on the dog” and “no we’re not putting pumpkins on the roof.”
You Might Also Like
I’ve wasted so much of my life on terrible boyfriends but I’ll never regret the time I’ve spent training my fruit bat Bing to remove all the raisins from my trail mix.
I stopped putting coffee in my sugar, and it shows!!!
I took a “Which Disney princess are you?” quiz and I got Jafar.
I would guard your potatoes so hard.
I talk a lot of shit for a girl with a blankie.
Who knows what my boss meant when he said I had a lackadaisical attitude but truthfully I don’t care and I’m not interested in finding out.
Bananas either ripen in 2 hours or 2 weeks there is no in between
”Oh no! NO! Oh my god!” but wife finds out that her husband has a secret ”almost dirty” sock drawer
Could you set a lightsaber on low and use it as a back scratcher?
Guys, you don’t have to be a priest to shoot a baby with a water pistol. Literally anyone can do it.
Any time someone says “have you seen that YouTube video?”
I always say yes……… Because otherwise they make you watch it on their phone
“The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.”
– inept cardiovascular surgeons who end up going into gastroenterology
Axl Rose: You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby
Tarzan: yeah but why are you here.
Reading about how much Daniel Craig hates Bond is like The Pope Visiting Kim Davis all over again.
Hear me out. Cauliflower made out of pizza crust.
It’s payday!! Time to splurge! Time to indulge! Time to blow it all on *checks notes* an Adequate Amount Of Groceries
*office*
Me:…
Coworker:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:*puts headphones on*
CW: Hey just sent you an email
Waiter: May I recommend the steak?
Dracula: You may not
Breathe in deeply, eat a rotisserie chicken, breathe out.
Her: You wanna Netflix and chill?
Me: I don’t have Netflix
Her: It means sex
Me: Oh right no I don’t have that either
Accidentally left my shopping list on the kitchen bench so had to rely on memory. Came home with a tub of icecream & a pony.
don’t talk to me or my son or my son’s son or my son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s s
doctor: you’ve been bitten by a radioactive shark
me: so i’m gonna get shark powers right
doctor: you no longer have legs
me: just like a shark
I was in the Valentine’s aisle looking for candy, and next to the adorable stuffed pink bears were the high-powered binoculars. Finally a store that understands the romance of stalking.
omfg i HATE when kids scream in public… u have no real problems. it should be me screaming. ME
People always ask us if Die Hard is a Christmas movie and our answer is always the same: Please just rent something.
“You don’t have to try on every outfit on sale, you know”, my mum, clearly not knowing how a sale works.
future historians will point to this and ask how we didn’t see the third world war coming
*sees other guys posting photos of their abs*
*posts photo of me washing dishes*
*gets hit on by every woman on the internet*