My husband declared Sunday as a technology free day, so naturally this has led to a closer bond between my children and me as we sneak off to look at my phone.
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Of course he’s into you. He’s just super-duper busy, messaging other chicks.
Ouija™ board by Milton Bradley – because if anyone can bridge the gap between the living and the dead, it’s the folks who brought you Hungry Hungry Hippos.
Sweardle is the 4-letter expletive-only version of Wordle. I can’t help but think they’ve missed a trick, however, by not calling it Angry Words.
[blind date]
HER: I’ve been reading up on Plato
ME {trying to impress her}: I know from experience you shouldn’t eat it
I just told my boss that “STFU” stands for “Sincere Thanks For Understanding” and it’s REALLY important that none of you tell him otherwise
Teenager grumpily walks into the kitchen rubbing her eyes.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry, did me making my lunch at 11 AM disturb your slumber?
There you go again, overusing big words like some kind of tweeting sesquipedalian.
Idiot.
My signature move is texting “There in 5” while I’m 80 miles away and embroiled in a Kung Fu Dance battle with an uncouth cattle farmer.
7yr old: Mum, what happens if you eat lots of tinsel?
Me: probably emergency surgery to prevent obstruction somewhere in your digestive system.
7yr old: *blank face* *small voice* you get tinselitis.
My next door neighbour just accused me of stealing clothes from her washing line. I nearly shit her pants
me: you ever get half way thru a sentence and completely forget what you were taking about lol
bank teller: something about a gun
Me *starts peeling potatoes*
My kid: are the fries ready yet?
HIM: isn’t wintertime just so romantic
ME (smiles & my lips crack open & blood starts pouring down my chin): oh definitely
“The other day” -me talking about something that happened 27 years ago
My husband has recently discovered that he’s a coffee snob.
Husband: I think I’d like a grinder.
12yo: Download it from the app store
Me:
Husband:
12yo:
Stop asking me why I do things, the answer is always “I panicked”
I never sit around waiting for anyone except for the pizza delivery guy..him I’ll wait for
*Speeding*
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: My singing?
Cop:
Me: My smile?
Cop:
*From the back of cop car*: My dance moves?
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: I’ve got 21K followers on Twitter.
Doctor: A simple “No” would have been sufficient.
Interviewer: Why should we hire you at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame?
Geologist in a wheelchair: Isn’t it obvious?
Gonna bring a notepad and a fancy pen to my next therapy session cause yessiree two can play that game.
I just walked into the living room to find my daughter teaching the family cat to play Cards Against Humanity. I think we’ve run out of ways to pass the time.
I made a clone of myself to do the dishes, another to do the laundry, and another to do the cooking, but we’re all sitting on the couch watching tv.
No Kevin, a carburetor is not someone who ate a lot of carbs.
Kids these days will never know the exhilarating danger of going 60mph down a burning hot metal slide.
As I was leaving the car wash, a guy that works there told me to “have a day” and I thought, you know what, I will.
Hit me with your best shot came on the radio and my son sang hit me with your pet shark and damnit that’s the name of the song now.
[god on LSD creating Donald Trump
What if a car alarm that constantly goes off for no reason were a person?
i’m sorry but why are there new episodes of shark week? shouldn’t the sharks be on strike?
*taps Canadian
*mumbles “Apple starts with…”
“Eh?”
*whispers “Your blood type?”
“Eh?”
*mutters “Best grade?”
“Eh?”
*giggles
*runs away