I’m at that age where I’d rather finish a terrible movie than start another one because it’s 7:30pm and I may still fall asleep during this one.
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*Corrects the grammar on your Christmas card and mails it back*
Actual text from 17 y/o son:
kin u com bi nd swoop me?
I hope he means hit him with my car, because that’s the plan
QUESTION: What were the very first straws made of? ANSWER: Straw.
Everybody knows cattorneys study four years at a meowniversity and three in claw school
If you say married people aren’t having sex, you have obviously never sat in a hotel bar & watched them pick up strangers.
Therapist: *holding up a stack of cards* look at these ink blots and tell me the first thing that pops into your head.
Squid: danger, predator, escape, fear of death, danger, my mother-in-law, danger.
Therapist: still on the first card.
Everyone’s a gangster until you have to chase a plastic bag that the wind took.
[couples therapy]
“Have you tried sexy lingerie?”
me: yeah but it just creeps her out.
My favorite form of cardio is racing around trying to hide the evidence of my snacking as my husband walks into the room after his workout
My stylist: Your hair is dry and damaged.
Me: Hey! I think it’s fine.
My stylist: Yes, that too.
Any minute now these two ziplock halves will actually connect. Any. Minute. Now.
“I need a car. What do you have?”
“Well, we have a Subaru Outback”
“But what kind of Subaru?”
“Outback”
“I don’t CARE where you keep it…”
You read for a part, you feel good about it, you feel confident, then they cast Ben Affleck.
Nobody:
Neighbors: THEYRE ASLEEP LETS SET OFF ALL THE FIREWORKS
Nobody:
The Sun: I’m gonna make your underwear turn into a damp rolled up towel so you walk like you just rode a horse
(by @ZachWeiner )
[smallpox]
Only 1890’s kids will get this
Person: How are you going to get over this curb?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I don’t know. This curb and I have been through a lot together.
the vatican should not be allowed to name any new saints until God sorts out my numerous issues with the citibank web portal
Facial recognition software, but it just explains Where You Know That Person From
She said she didn’t want me to touch her with a ten foot pole. I said ma’am I’m flattered but it’s not that long.
Festive toon…
No Himalayan cow hoof for me please. I’m yak toes intolerant.
Breaking news:
In what room do you guys hang the portrait of yourself as a centaur? I was thinking kitchen. The bedroom is kinda cliche
I told my sandwich to “go make me a girlfriend”
The best natural phenomenon is when a species lovingly accepts an orphan of another species, like how my fries have accepted this onion ring
Can I take your order?
Yeah, lemme get a McRib and a large Coke.
Sir, this is Wallgreens
OK, make it a bottle of Xanax, and some Pringles
wife: I wish you’d stop bringing your work home with you
Dr Frankenstein: he has a name
wife: DOES HE
Kids: *doing something they shouldn’t*
Me: Stop or I’ll be mad
Kids: *keep doing it*
Me: Stop or Mom will be mad
Kids:*stop immediately*