Take your age and add 5 years to it.
That is your age in 5 years.
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Cop: Any drugs or alcohol?
Me: No thanks officer, I have everything that I need.
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order so I bought an epilator. I’ve got this.
I don’t want a Ghostbusters sequel about the grandchildren of the Ghostbusters. I want a Ghostbusters prequel about Slimer when he was alive.
I slipped on a toy car and ended up sprawled on the floor, so my toddler used me as a step stool to get onto the couch if you’re wondering what parenthood is like
I enjoy quaint, old-fashioned customs like being nice to people.
I put my pants on like everyone else….
After sex.
Ha just kidding. I don’t have sex, or pants.
Damn I just accidentally punched myself in the face while removing a bralette! That will teach me
Don’t date a man expecting to change him. At the end of the day he’ll still be a man, and you’ll have wasted your black candles and a goat.
God: you’re an amphibian.
Frog: what does that mean?
God: it means you can breathe on land and in the water.
Frog: omg you mean I’m a mermaid?
God: no that’s not what I-
Frog: [whispers] I’m the littlest mermaid.
Guantanamo Bae
If you go into a bar by yourself and ask for a water the bartender looks at you like you have leprosy.
The downside of being raised in the wild by wolves is that after you’ve grown up and left the wild, and you’re living in Shoreditch, they come to visit and you take them to your local vegan restaurant and they embarrass you by trying to order lamb.
This woman’s “I’m deleting my Facebook” post has 52 comments and she’s replied to all of them. Not a strong start.
Give a man a fish and he’ll go to McDonald’s instead.
Teach a man to fish and nope, still McDonald’s
If a snake ate a cake
We didn’t need tutors when I was a kid, we just cheated
a tweetup with your friends who all got suspended from twitter is “getting the banned back together”
I ordered a bed from IKEA and they sent me a tree trunk and a saw.
23: Thanks Mom. If that’s even your real name.
*guy acts like he’s gonna punch me*
GUY: HA! You flinched
ME: yes because I thought you were going to punch me. If you actually punched me I would have been more protected. You see, evolutionarily speaking, the flinchers would have outlived those wh-
GUY: *actually punches me*
Do you believe in life after love?
-Me as a Cher-apist
I opened the fridge door, but something inside slammed it shut. It’s going to be Uber Eats until we can move out.
Sorry I didn’t call you back, I got distracted for 7 years when I had kids
Yoga isn’t as easy as you’d think a few drinks in…
[unzips fannypack filled with jellybeans and some fall out]
Dammit
[bends over to pick them up and the rest spill out]
DAMMIT
My kid sold your honor student a quarter ounce of oregano.
Twitter’s new verified account policy says that fictional characters aren’t eligible but all the Muppet accounts still have their blue checkmarks, confirming what I’ve suspected for years.
When I say I’m “going through something” I usually mean a family size box of croissants