Date: I’m looking for someone who is courageous.
Me: I’m braver than any marine.
Marine, at the table to my left: Excuse me?
Me: Any, uh, marine animal.
Manatee, on a date with the marine: Excuse us?
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The only way to protect ourselves from eagle attacks is of course MORE eagles. Fill our homes with these gentle, knife clawed birds of prey.
Accepting donations for my opossum’s quinceanera.
It’s amazing what happens when you take a little time to get to know someone.
They become even more annoying.
impressing her on a first date by using no knife but two forks
*painting your nails* one hand : perfect. other hand : looks like a blind cat did it.
Going to a strangers baby shower 45 minutes away, this baby better make an appearance for all that effort.
[scene of car accident]
bystander: is your baby ok
me: no he’s a complete jerk
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, we’re still well below my average.
Some dude called me a nerd so I hit him with my Quidditch broom
Just a reminder that a Cheesecake Factory menu counts as summer reading for your kids.
Impervious: being an admitted pervert
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *furiously trying to swallow a mouthful of mattress tag stickers* no
You know you got a bad haircut when she insists on giving you a $10 discount.
What do you mean, I didn’t win? I ate more wet T-shirts than anyone else.
no cat here
ur macbook about to start asking if you want update now, tonight or when the 2nd wave hits
I’m not a fan of having things on my wrist but I’d definitely get the Apple iCarceration ankle monitor
Whoever decided to make Peeps flavored Pepsi and NOT call it Peepsi committed the biggest fumble in the history of sugar
I asked Alexa how old Kenny Rogers was when he died. She told me he was 81, and then she said, “Would you also like to know the net worth of Kenny Rogers?” Why the hell would you ask me that, Alexa, am I in the will?
People are far, far too judgmental these days.
I can tell just by looking at them.
I suggested some hiking trails for my ex, so I guess you can say I’m putting the path back in psychopath.
Tide Pods need a little seasoning?
Sprinkle some bath salts on top.
my cousin’s baby is due tomorrow & my grandma keeps checkin her phone for news. waitin for the baby 2 text her like “im here lol. from baby”
Using soap as a garnish because the store was all out of cilantro.
My children wanted to play restaurant and are very upset because I told them my place does not allow kids
me: how much for the dog bouquet
girl walking dogs: what
Just spent 5 minutes scratching my back against a post and now I have the sudden urge to hibernate for winter.
I accidentally heated my Hot Pocket for 20:00 instead of 2:00 and now there’s a giant radioactive Hot Pocket in my apartment watching my tv
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
My daughter is angry that I won’t let her eat icicles hanging off our house, like I’m some kind of monster for denying her a gutter sucker.