[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
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Doctor: When he wakes from this coma, we don’t know if he’ll be the same or have brain damage
Me *opening eyes* gonna buy a duck and call it Dan Quackroyd
Doctor: Oh no
Wife: Oh shit he’s the same
An owl showing some catlike behavior.
[Before the post office was invented]
SOME GUY: I need someone to deliver an important document
PIGEON: *simply existing*
SOME GUY: You seem trustworthy
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a dolphin* shark
My daughter wrote a story at school about a sad cat that drinks cocktails so I should probably call her teacher
[In Club]
*slides up to girl on dance floor
“This is my jam”
*hands her a jar
“I wrote my number on the label. Text me if you want more…”
I thought my house was falling down but it’s just my 4 year old working on his drum solo with my pots and pans
me: [dancing in a well lit area]
Bruce Springsteen: absolutely not
20: omg my life is going to be so aweso—
40: wtf just happened
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
My boss asked me why I’m late, apparently answering “because your wife wouldn’t let me get out of bed” just gets you sent to HR.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with an air-fryer.
Apparently the thirstiest creature in the whole world is always a kid who’s been told to go back to his bed like a hundred times.
You, an intellectual: Actually it’s not called “Calvary”, its real name is “Golgotha”.
Me: Weird hill to die on, but okay.
business tip.
INSTEAD OF SAYING
“i work from home”: weak, lazy, does not sound productiveSAY
“i practically live at the office”: a real go-getter, dedicated to the grind, a worker bee
The most difficult thing you’ll do as a parent is not rearrange the ornaments after the kids put them on the tree.
If by “crunches” you mean the sound potato chips make when you chew them, then yes, I do crunches.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘sarcasm’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Ooooo I would love to
Brain: If we leave now we’ll be on time for once.
Body: Ten more minutes then.
dad: where do you think you’re going
me: *caught applying for an art history degree* uh nowhere?
I cleaned up my son’s playroom today and it’s so clean now that I’m not sure I want him playing in there anymore
They keep saying “Our system does funny things sometimes” and I told them “You understand you’re the credit card company talking to a customer, right, you probably shouldn’t tell me stuff like that.”
How to be a Canadian:
1) Love hockey
2) Use good manners
3) Drink Tim Hortons
4) Live in a igloo
5) Hunt moose with stick
Everybody mad at me like it’s common knowledge to wait til after the eulogy before you start clapping. Sorry I didn’t go to funeral college.
Scream movies would never happen in this day and age because every time the killer would call we’d just let it go to voicemail.
Mom there’s a boogie man in my closet!
*mom looks and I’m standing there with an afro in a satin shirt and platform shoes
[love making]
Her: [leans in] “do that thing you know I like.”
[i cease to exist]
Her: “yeah baby.”
Decades have gone by and STILL my parents have not given back the Halloween candy they took from me “for safe keeping”.
waiter: would you like a table?
me: yes, the multiplication please
Corn mazes can be confusing until you remember corn isn’t walls and you can just walk right through it.