Technically, it’s not road rage once you pull into their living room.
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Me: This is the year I’m going to save money.
Also me: *googles, “how to purchase a baby elephant?”*
3yo: Dad, have you ever seen a dinosaur?
ME: No. No one has. They lived during a different time.
3yo: How sad–
ME: Well it’s a liitle sad, but that’s the circle of life; & if dinosaurs had not perished, we probably wouldn’t–
3yo: How sad no one knows what dinosaurs taste like.
I wish they’d stop turning movies into musicals and make them ice shows instead.
I’d pay good money to see “The Godfather on Ice.”
I’m still disappointed that Penguin and Random House merged to become Penguin Random House and not the more hilarious Random Penguin House.
MS Office huh? So is there a *Mr* Office?
Intoxicated man causing disturbances attempts to hide from police…under a blanket
Ghost of Christmas Past: ‘You were kind of an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Present: ‘You’re an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come: ‘You’re-‘
Me: ‘I get it, I get it!’
Day 4. They suspect nothing.
🎶 I’m a joker
I’m Al Roker
I’m a forecast broker
Looks like Tuesday there’ll be sun 🎶
“hey dad, when did they outlaw hyperboles?”
“hmm i dont know son, like a bajillion million years ago? idiot”
*cops bust down door*
I’m at a kids fun park and let me just emphasize that the word “fun” is used loosely here.
In medieval Europe, it was pretty easy to amass vast armies eager to go into battle and have their heads schwacked off because no one wanted to be alive in medieval Europe.
Me: I think we need to break up
Her: Now is not a good time
Me: Okay
*we ride the rollercoaster in silence*
Me too
There is “Tea” in Team and I am not sure what I am trying to say here but it’s very inspirational.
He was a meter boy, she said see you liter boy
CORONAVIRUS: I can’t believe these humans aren’t taking me seriously just because they’re not in imminent personal danger right this second
CLIMATE CHANGE, SMOKING AN ABSOLUTELY ENORMOUS BLUNT:
It’s the eye of the tiger.
It’s the spleen of a sheep.
being a parent of toddlers means looking up, discovering scribbles on the ceiling, shrugging, and continuing to drink your coffee.
How to stop checking someone’s Facebook page:
1. Delete your Facebook profile
2. Break your phone
3. Give away your laptop
4. Die
Lady t-rex: I’m tired tonight, take care of yourself.
Dude t-rex: 😑
Today I learned not all people are appreciative of vetriloquism. Especially my gynecologist.
I remember when Dulux were just a small company selling paint brushes. Now they’re hue mongers!
Watching horror movies has convinced me that answering a phone never ends well for anyone.
[hotel]
me: do you offer turndown service
concierge: sorry no
me: thank you
Hey dude, can i borrow your laptop? I want to shop for a new computer but it feels cruel to do that on the one I’m replacing.
Friend: I get my kids to eat their vegetables by making up cute names like ‘caulipower’ and ‘broccoli trees’.
Me: I get my sons to eat their vegetables by saying, “Eat your damn vegetables.”
Every dog, in a previous life, has been murdered by a shoe.