[at the aquarium]
Son, pointing at large tank: daddy what’s that?
Me: that’s a tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water
You Might Also Like
one of my classmates said he’s going into consulting because he likes giving people his opinion but he doesn’t like doing anything lol
“loud noises scare horses”
[wife now whispering] get it out of the basement
“OH MY SWEET GOD BE CAREFUL. OH- OH MY DEAr LORD GOD. HOW? HOW??” -me watching gymnastics
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned
Dad: [sighing as he reviews my math homework] it’s sined and you should’ve used tangent
plums roundup
[ explaining The Plan ]
jesus: ok i gotta be honest, you lost me at the giant rabbit with eggs
god: look man, these ppl are idiots
Say what you want about online meetings but there are few things more liberating than attending a disciplinary hearing naked from the waist down.
Me: if I had to review it, the beginning was boring, none of it was believable. I didn’t care about the main characters but we got cake so one star
Bride: did you at least enjoy being maid of honor
Superman’s Google searches:
“Strongest hero”
“Strongest hero. Not Hulk”
“Fastest hero”
“Fastest hero. Not Flash”
“Phone booth for sale”
Gov. Jan Brewer: “I’ll look into the botched execution, but I’m sure he didn’t suffer because I asked him after and he didn’t say anything.”
Yesterday I taught my boss to play Angry Birds. Today, she “couldn’t make it in to work.” This is called managing upwards, people.
Machine uprising? Ha! What can they do? Toaster gonna burn my bagel? Vending machine gonna steal my money?
Like they do now… Holy shit.
I’ve eaten so many cheeseburgers, my hula hoop is just a fancy waist bracelet.
What’s that thing called where every time you stand up you have to limp for the first minute? Oh yeah…39
5 told me she can’t help me clean up her toys because she’s tired from all the work she does in kindergarten. When I asked her what she meant by work, she said “ugh they’re always making us write our names”.
I feel like I’d really make more progress on my goal of being more positive if everyone wasn’t such a huge piece of shit all the time
When you’re in the hospital on morphine, a fun game to play is “were my eyes closed for 20 seconds or 2 hours”
When you think about it, Jesus really accomplished a lot in the four months between Christmas and Easter.
Swallowed a bunch of tiny figurines and gems before my colonoscopy, because my proctologist deserves a little mystery and wonder.
When you stop being a vegan –
is it called losing your veganity ?
I’m accused of being a plagiarist. Their words, not mine.
I just tried to make coffee with my air fryer, so TGIF
My wife said “You only love me because my father left me a million pounds.”
“That’s not true, I’d still love you whoever left it to you”
FRIEND: do you know the baby’s sex
ME [covering pregnant wife’s ears]: ew no gross what kind of position is that
cell phones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
My dad had a good idea. Sometimes when cars drive by your house they honk at you. But you can’t respond. That’s where House Horn comes in
I hope Hell freezes over soon. A few women have promised me dates when it happens.
“Stop hitting me.”
-Rock bottom.
*watches nature documentary*
*moves my giraffe print pillows far away from my tiger print pillows*
A child stared at me for ten minutes before he asked what that was on my face
His mum replied ‘that’s a beard’I was that kid’s first beard