Gordon Ramsay: this is absolute garbage
Raccoon Line Cook: thank you chef
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It’s not karma, you’re just an idiot.
I can’t tell you how to increase your moral fibre, I’m not a nutritionist.
I’ve decided that my go to from now on will be
“Sorry my house is a mess my husband is out of town”
They don’t need to know that it’s like this no matter what.
Her: Ugh. Don’t look at me. I’ve put on a little baby weight.
Me: DEAR GOD!! WHY ARE YOU EATING SO MANY BABIES!?
Ways cats are like toddlers:
– They love unrolling toilet paper
– They eat from cat bowls
– They suck at doing my taxes
– Somehow they always find their way on top of the fridge
Seriously considering commissioning a family portrait photo and getting the photographer to photoshop all our faces slightly too small. Enough to be disconcerting, but not enough for guests to feel comfortable mentioning it.
Why don’t you get back in your little car with lights and pull over someone who cares.
i cannot relate to all these YA main characters that have the focus and determination to complete their little tasks and save the world. after about two weeks when the hyperfixation of it wore of, i’d let the planet die bc i discovered knitting
Me to anyone else: “it’s in that cabinet”
Me to my husband:
“it’s in the upper cabinet next to the fridge on the left at eye level. It’s bright green. It’s right there. IT’S RIGHT THERE”
My first day in hell I accidentally bump into the meteor that killed the dinosaurs in the cafeteria. Everyone gasps. Satan drops his fork.
Unknown people: you aren’t weird you are just being yourself
My gang: bro I know 5 weird people and you are 4 of them
Fruit ninja: [about to strike]
Surprise car chase: [destroys fruit stand]
Fruit ninja: omg seriously
I shutter to think of all the things my neighbors have seen me do through their blinds.
Toddlers & Ghosts
-haunt you at all hours
-lots of moaning/screaming
-unclear motives
-not helpful with housework
-randomly open cupboards
rip st. patrick, you would have loved green day.
[sliding $5 to the zookeeper]
Maybe one of those penguins ends up in my car?
Born again? No thanks. One trip down the birth canal was enough.
No toilet paper. My training kicks in. I barrel roll under the stall & onto the lap of the person in the next stall. I did not plan for this
I need everyone to calm down I broke into this house to pet your dog not steal him
[tries a new move during sex to keep things interested]
wife: did you just dab
they should invent a rest for the wicked
Valentine’s Day in a cardiac surgeon’s house
Wife opening cooler: this had better be chocolates
Our dog jumped on my phone while I was checking Outlook and deleted an entire folder of work emails, so I’ve hired her as my personal assistant
I wear lipstick when I go into Walmart so people know I’m not approachable or one of their kind
Everything at the mini mart is normal-sized and I feel so betrayed.
torturing my cousin whos trying to get me a birthday gift
Me: *at the children’s museum* they seem so life like
Wife: those are our children
Date palm: a tree that also describes my romantic life.
[visit to zoo]
See kids? All these animals have to live here in cages because they woke daddy up early one time.